I make a silent vow to myself that I will find a way to honor my brother’s memory.
“What times this shindig kicking off?”
“Around five or so. If you don’t want to go through with it…Ma will understand. She is just excited to have you back.”
I know she is. I feel like an ass. I didn’t mean to snap at her, but I don’t need a bunch of fuckers that barely know me making over me like I'm some sort of Goddamn hero or telling me how sorry they are about Joe. I hate that fake sympathy bullshit. Because that is all it is—shit.
“Tell Ma I’ll be back for her dinner party.”
“Sure thing. Ride safe.”
My sister knows me better than I know myself most days. Twin-intuition or some shit.
Back inside, I find my keys on the hook by the garage door. I don’t waste anytime firing my girl up and hitting the road.
Gravel flies behind me as I punch it and swerve onto the main road with no idea of where I’m riding to. I just need a moment to myself before I have to put on a show for Ma and her friends. Easing back into civilian life isn’t easy.
I drive around Clemons in search of something, but I don’t know what. I drive past my old high school, recalling how most of my teacher’s passed me just to get rid of me. I was a terrible student. No matter how many times my folks threatened me, I’d skip class and get high any chance I got. I was on a fast track to nowhere fast. Ma threatened to ship me off a few times, but I knew she’d never go through with it.
After driving around aimlessly I end up at the bar and hanging with Lewis. I forgot how much fun the dude is for a laugh. He shows me the ropes of running the bar.
I am really impressed that Nattie has been handling this on her own since Joe passed away. She never was big on commitments or following through. I’m sure our brother put most of this in order, but it makes me proud that she has been holding shit down.
I can tell Lewis has something on his mind. We’ve been shooting the shit behind the bar. Him pointing out the locals, telling me I will learn their names and faces soon enough.
“Out with it, man. You have something you want to say to me.”
“I just want you to take it slow, no need to dive in head first and overwhelm yourself is all. I’m just saying I got you is all.”
“Appreciate it, but I’m good. I need to jump in and get into a routine.”
He’s serving drinks and I take this time to get to know the faces of my employees and our usual customers. I’m doing good, nothing is setting off my anxiety, until Audrey comes out of the kitchen and stares at me. I try my best to ignore her, but every breath I take I can feel her watching me, studying me, mentally comparing me to my brother.
My skin begins to crawl and the room grows smaller with every breath I take.
It’s too much, I feel as if I am drowning under her scrutiny. I can’t stop looking at her either though. My mind seems to think we know each other. I keep trying to place her face. Trying to remember where I have seen her before.
Taking a deep breath, I attempt to stay in control, doing the breathing exercises my therapist told me to implement when I feel overwhelmed.
However, my brother’s girl is everywhere I go. I even see her peeping from the backdoor when I throw out the trash.
I wait a few minutes and go to the employee bathroom to wash my hands and splash some water on my face. When I come out she is outside the door, going into the DJ booth.
Having had enough, I snap. “What the fuck do you keep starting at me for?”
She doesn’t answer me and continues to gawk, even though the bar has gone quiet and everyone is watching, waiting for something more to happen.
I try to ignore her and go back to serving beer from the tap.
I can feel her eyes piercing my skin. And now that I know she is continually watching me, I find myself stealing glances at her too. She’s gorgeous. Physically, she’s everything I would go for in a woman. It surprises me in a way that she was with my brother because he normally had a thing for blondes. The more I study her, the more I don’t like the way she makes me feel. I don’t want to find her attractive, but I do. Now I can’t stop staring at her and it is pissing me off. The way her skirt she’s wearing hugs her hips. The way she keeps brushing her long dark hair behind her ear when it gets caught in her hoop earring. She has a freckle under her left eye. I’m noticing every tiny detail about her, filing it to memory, w
ondering how much of my brother she sees when she steals a glance at me.
I’m not used to being so affected by a woman. She shoots me a friendly smile and I don’t like this at all. I don’t want to be her friend. She shouldn’t be getting under my skin, but she is. She was my brother’s’ girlfriend, she shouldn’t be looking at me like she wants to jump my bones. And I damn sure shouldn’t be enjoying the attention.
I walk out from behind the bar, grab her by her elbow, and pull her down the hall where the bathrooms are. She comes without hesitation, letting me pull her into the privacy of the storeroom for the mops and other cleaning supplies.
I flip on the light still holding onto her, gripping one of her shoulders. Only now that we are closed up in the small room together do I catch her scent. She smells of fresh honeysuckle. Delicious. Her sad green eyes try to hold me captive as she longs for my brother. I shake my head, I’m not Joe JR, and I never will be.