Dad got a humidor and expensive cigars from us. We got Cody a fancy chess set and a gift card for a video game store. I bought Will a new juicer he dropped a hint about when he was here overnight last weekend. We ordered a year’s worth of outdoor maintenance services for Grampa, so he won’t have to worry about shoveling, cutting grass, or doing his gutters. And I bought him a giant Toblerone bar with orders to have only a little piece a day.
The food was amazing, and I pigged out. We played charades after dinner before Mom and Aunt Sara got tipsy and had a Christmas carol singalong at the piano.
Killian even seemed to get a little tipsy and didn’t argue when I told him to enjoy himself, that I’d drive us home.
The whole day was absolutely lovely. I haven’t had a Christmas like this since before Ray. Yeah, my first year with him was nice when it was the two of us, but he never meshed with my family, never even tried. Killian has no pretense or airs about him with my family. And they love him.
Ray didn’t even occur to me once today, not until I got home.
My family didn’t ever seem like they were this much at ease on the holidays the past three years probably because of Ray being there. His attitude, his standoffishness with them - it took something away from all of us on any special occasion where he was there. But this year, it was like it used to be. Only better. Because of Killian and Will being there and fitting right in. And everyone was excited that next Christmas we’ll not only get to do it all again, but by then we’ll have our little baby, too.
Now that we’re home, we go straight to getting ready for bed because I want to watch It’s a Wonderful Life and A Christmas Carol.
Halfway through A Christmas Carol, Killian falls asleep with my hands in his hair, like he did last night, only I’m the one with my head on his chest this time. I watch the whole thing, and then stay awake and watch It’s a Wonderful Life, tears in my eyes at the end like always, thinking about how blessed I feel as I cuddle up to my husband who is thankfully sleeping soundly.
I know we’ve had a bumpy road, that I am now dealing in areas I never thought I’d be okay with. I think back to my time at Dario and Angel’s wedding and wondering how those girls lived with knowing their men were dark and dangerous. The words of the song Midnight Train to Georgia come to mind about preferring to live in Killian’s world instead of living without him in mine.
I carefully pull away from him to go to the bathroom and not only use it but blow my nose from my little sentimental crying jag after the movie is over.
I shiver. Not just because I’m no longer snuggled up with Killian, I know it’s also because of where my mind is taking me – to the fact that tomorrow my ex is going to be kidnapped while being transported from one prison to another.
And then, how easy or difficult will it be to put all that behind me? And even more importantly to me, how easy or difficult will it be for Killian to move on?
I feel like I’m healing from not only what Ray put me through, but from what Killian and I went through after I found Ray in his basement. It’s been eye-opening, seeing the lengths my husband will go to in order to not only keep me safe, but avenge. And also to see that he’s got darkness inside him because of what he’s been through. Maybe it’s something primitive ingrained in me that makes me sort of grateful now. Not for the torture part. Certainly not the deceit part. And I definitely feel like him having someone visit and threaten Shara was overkill. But I feel like the last several days has me viewing all of it through a new lens. Knowing that he’s willing to do whatever needs to be done for us… maybe I’ve started to come to terms with it and see the benefits. Maybe that’s because I’ve had a chance to reflect, to take in what Killian has said about it. And because I spent three years with someone who was more than happy to let me fix all the problems while still acting like he was an alpha male. He wasn’t. Ray had no strength compared to Killian who not only takes care of his family, but has done so since he was a child.
I know his anger at Ray was extreme and also know that a big part of it came from the trauma he suffered.