Fear pulses in my blood.
Nothing like danger screaming in your face to get you to realize just how much you’re willing to let go of the past, I guess.
I’ve been negotiating with myself these last few minutes of pacing. I know he’s it for me, despite everything.
Ray is my past; Killian is my future. Even if Kill lied to me. Even if he does dangerous things. I love my husband. And Ray is on the loose. Dangerous, maybe. No. No maybe about it. He’s armed. And he’s lost his mind.
I try to get my heart to stop racing so fast. I try some slow breathing to try to calm myself down. To make sure I’m not putting my baby under stress.
I run and haul my pants and underwear down, then dab a tissue between my legs to make sure there’s no bleeding, because that’s the last thing I need.
There’s no bleeding. Relief.
More pacing ensues.
God… watching that happen as if it was a television show but knowing it was really happening, that Ray really tripped that big guy and choked him out while disarming him? I’ll never forget the level of panic. I’ve never been so afraid in my life. Not since Killian got jumped by all those guys after the wedding. But this feels worse, because I’m here waiting. Waiting and praying.
And Killian is gone. He took a gun. And left one for me! God, I wish I had his phone still, so I could see what’s happening.
I go to the fridge and pour a glass of apple juice and down it.
There are two bags on the counter beside a pizza box. After pacing for a good twenty minutes, I peer inside.
One has a box of soft gingerbread cookies from the bakery section of the supermarket, plus there’s a box of ginger snaps, and there are also five packages of gingerbread cookie dough formed to little men that are oven-ready, with icing packets for decorating. The other bag has a pair of slippers in it.
I pull them out. They’re pale lavender, super soft closed-toe slides and on the top of one is a dandelion, the other is a dandelion gone to seed.
My heart squeezes.
He saw those while buying me gingerbread and bought them because of the dandelion picture.
I should have told him I love him, too.
I should have.
Shit; I’m scared.
Terrified that Ray could hurt him with that gun. Or that Ray will get away and tell someone about the basement and then Killian will be in big trouble. Huge trouble. Like, jailed until our child is an adult type of trouble.
I can’t burst into tears. I can’t lose it. But do I ever want to. Instead, I slide my feet into my slippers and then I make a wish. A wish while staring at the dandelion seeds on my right foot, wishing this will somehow get resolved without anyone dying, without anyone getting hurt.
I open the pizza box and look inside, knowing I can’t possibly eat at a time like this, and burst into tears anyway because half the pizza is covered in pineapple chunks. Lots of them. Like he ordered double pineapple for me.
I stare at my slippers. I know my wish coming true isn’t likely, not unless Ray manages to disappear forever. If not, someone is going to get hurt.
As I feel cushiony memory foam hugging my feet, all I can think is that if someone has to get hurt, I’d damn-well prefer it be Ray over Killian.
35
Killian
Why the fuck was Tony there?
I messaged him from the beach house today saying I was there and he didn’t need to go today. I told him not to go back until he heard from me because I was planning to close this chapter within days. He replied immediately and said OK.
Why the fuck was he there and why was his eye off the ball like that? The way Violet described what she saw, Tony walked in, and Iadanza was waiting for him, pretending to sleep so he could trip him and then choke him out with his chained arm.
How did Tony let that happen? He’s not an idiot. If he were, he wouldn’t be working for me. He’s never let me down before.
I’ve already called Tino and asked him to meet me there, said I need his tracking assistance. And I called Will and asked him to go sit with Violet, said I have a security emergency with Violet’s ex, that I can’t give him a lot of detail, and he’s to look after her until I get back. I tell him there’s a gun on the bench at the end of my bed. He’s on his way and I’m very fucking grateful for that.
He knows a little about the Raymond situation from before I took Violet as a marker and has remarked more than once that he gets a serious kick out of the fact that I’ve taken her from Raymond and made her mine. Willie saw, firsthand, what sort of person Iadanza was – growing up with him in our complex we all could see he’d wind up a con artist loser just like his old man. Of course Willie has no clue Raymond has been my hostage for weeks.