And then I take a handful of her hair and use it to gently tug her up so I can kiss her mouth. Pulling the nightgown up over her head, I use it to wipe myself away from her chest and my belly before tossing it and pulling her close, kissing her lips softly again. She kisses me back, lips parting, tongue touching mine, erect nipples brushing my chest.
“I love you,” I tell her, enjoying the feel of her warm, naked body against me.
A sob bursts from her.
Fuck.
Fuck!
I pull her trembling body tighter to me and kiss her over and over while she cries, my arms wrapped around her.
“I’m so sorry I hurt you. I love you so fucking much.” My voice is gruff and I’m not a crier, never have been, but fuck if I’m not feeling that distantly familiar sensation sitting in my throat like the levy is about to break. I swallow it down and wrap her up with blankets as tight as I can, kissing her tears as they fall.
“Let me love you. Let me look after you. Let me fix us, okay? Please, Violet. Do you believe me? Do you believe how much I fuckin’ love you? How much I regret hurting you? It’s my job to stop anything and everything in this world from hurting you and that’s all I wanna do. I fucked up. Please forgive me.”
She doesn’t answer me.
But she doesn’t pull away either.
Her trembling slows. The sniffling sounds ebb. And then she pulls away from me and it feels like shit, like I’m sinking into ugliness until I hear her drinking her juice. She sets the glass down after a few swallows and then she’s back in my arms. Because she moved in and snuggled up to me.
I hold on tight, clenching my teeth together as fierce emotion moves through me.
I’m not ever, fucking ever, letting her go.
26
Violet
My first thought when my eyes pop open at the sound of my phone alarm is, am I bleeding?
It’s not that I feel like anything is happening down there, but I’m worried about it just the same. I worried about it when Killian put his mouth down there last night, too. But obviously nothing was amiss or he’d have noticed.
Killian’s mouth last night. Was that a mistake?
I’ve rolled out of his arms to reach for the phone already, so I drag the top sheet around me to hide my nudity as I rush across the room, my face burning with shame. He’s awake. He’s lying there watching me walk to the bathroom. I squat to pick up last night’s discarded undies and nightie.
I don’t make eye contact but feel his eyes on me, burning through me with something… I don’t know what. The word possessiveness comes to mind.
I’m burning with shame because I let that happen last night when nothing has been resolved with us. When I don’t know how it can possibly even be resolved. And then I jacked him off and boob-screwed him before bursting into tears!
But the emotion I felt from him as he touched me… I couldn’t deny him. I just couldn’t. And I couldn’t help but think about Suse telling me about him rejecting Jessa in the lobby. It felt like it would’ve been cruel to deny him.
And I guess that’s why I reciprocated. Sort of. Like he needed that connection with us. But maybe I did too – I don’t know. Touching him felt right. Perfectly right. Being in his embrace, taking in his scent, being the reason he made those sexy sounds, he felt like home. And God, have I been homesick.
A week away from Ray when Killian sent him to Atlantic City helped me feel more like myself. A week away from Killian made me feel lost.
Last night – it was emotional. And real. And I don’t know whether it was a mistake.
After I peel yesterday’s pad out of my underwear and throw it into the trash, I toss the underwear and nightie into the hamper, then climb into the shower.
As the water pounds down on my sleepy body, I think about the day I’ve got ahead of me.
Killian and I need to resume yesterday’s conversation. We really do. But the break with Suse? I think it actually did me some good. No, I don’t have clarity. No, I don’t know if my marriage is a lie or not. But maybe it’s not. Maybe I’m leaning in that direction more than leaning in the direction of feeling like Killian’s feelings for me all come from his anger at Ray.
Ray.
Fucking Ray. Still a thorn in my side. Why couldn’t he have been denied bail? Why couldn’t he have just run away when his mom bailed him out and gone far, far away before Killian caught him? Why does he still have to be a problem for me? Will he ever not be a problem? Am I doomed to have that guy in my life one way or another forever?