***
I head to the kitchen, thinking I should listen to my growling gut even if I feel like eating is tedious right now. Violet’s not here. I open the butler’s kitchen door and walk through to the laundry room. No Violet in there, either. Where is she?
Panic spikes but I find her in the guest room. She’s passed out on the bed, holding a crumpled Kleenex in her fist.
I sigh and put a knee to the bed, crawl over, and twirl a curl around my finger. She doesn’t rouse, so I curl up behind her, spooning her against me.
She’s out, like a light. Doesn’t budge. This lets me soak in the feel of her in my arms, the scent of her hair, how perfectly she fits against me.
As I nuzzle my nose behind her ear, remorse floods me. Not remorse for him. Fuck him. But for letting her find out. I fucked up. Bad. What’ll it take to fix it?
Feeling her warmth against me, my body finally relaxes. My limbs get heavy and finally my eyes drift closed.
13
Violet
I wake up gasping. I’m in Killian’s arms in the dark. The lamp gets flicked on and his eyes are on me with concern.
I roll away so fast, I almost fall, but he catches me and tugs me back to him.
We’re in his guest room. We’re both fully dressed. I have no idea what time it is, but clearly, we’ve slept all day.
I was having a terrible dream of him torturing Ray with a horse whip. I could swear I felt every lash of that whip in my dream as if I were the one being whipped.
“Bad dream,” he says, giving me a soft look. “I had one, too.”
“I dreamt you were torturing him, and I could feel everything you did to him.”
His hand goes into my hair as his expression softens even further. I shrug him away, swing my legs over the side of the bed and stare out the window, trying to blink the sensations crawling all over me away.
“This shouldn’t have happened; me hurting you. It’s not what I wanted.” he says softly, touching my back. “At all. I tried to take care of it in the way I felt I had to, not wanting you to know because you didn’t need to know. You didn’t need that on your mind, or your conscience. But I needed to do what I needed to do.”
I say nothing. I’m torn between swatting his hand away and falling into his embrace. Not because I forgive him, but because no one has made me feel safer than he does and I’m craving that right now. Ironically.
“I love you,” he says. “I swear I do.”
“I think I’m gonna go stay with Susanna or something for a couple days.”
“No. Fuck that.”
I bristle. “What?”
“No, Violet.”
“What do you mean, no?” I ask, alarmed.
“Please,” he whispers.
I gulp.
We’re in an eye-lock. With difficulty, I drag my eyes away.
“I’m not sure how to be here right now, Killian. I’m just so…” My body shudders as tears threaten again. I manage to halt them.
“We’ll figure this out,” he says.
“I think I really need space.”
“No,” he replies gruffly. Stubbornly.
Should I fear him right now?
I turn around fully and take him in. He’s sitting up in bed, arms folded across his chest, a scowl on his face.
“No? So, you’re gonna do to me what he did?”
His scowl slips.
I huff. “You’re gonna refuse to let me leave the way he refused to leave when I tried to end things with him?”
“You think you’re ending things with me?” he demands, gesturing to himself. “Over this?”
He shoots to his feet and I think he’s about to leave the room, but instead he paces it. Angrily. And it’s setting my anxiety on fire.
“You’re comparing us to that shit show with him? That hurts, Violet.”
I pull my lips tight. He continues.
“You think this is a reason for us to be over? No. Not happening. I told you when we met, Violet, I don’t ever let things go. I love you; you’re mine. Do you really expect me to just give up? Let this destroy us? Let him destroy us? That piece of garbage? No. Fuck no.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I ask.
He stares at me, flexing his jaw muscles.
“Are you afraid if I leave I’ll go to the police about you?”
He freezes. “I don’t want you to leave because I fuckin’ love you.”
I sigh.
“But will you?” he asks.
“I don’t know,” I answer honestly.
He laughs sardonically.
“How fuckin’ ironic is this? Just poetic. You’d leave me for this after spending three years with a guy who treated you like shit?” He shakes his head and leans toward me, accusation coming at me. “Because I hurt him for hurting you? Because I hurt him for hurting me? Do you realize that’s what you’d be doing? You’d be more loyal to him than you’re being to me, and I’ve only tried to protect you.”