“Sorry. You just got amped there and I just flipped out a little.”
“I wouldn’t ever hurt you, Violet. Never will I use those intimidation tactics you told me he used. That’s not what I was doing. I just mean what I say. I felt strong about what I was saying and maybe you mistook that.”
“I know,” I say, grabbing his hand.
His face is filled with remorse. I know he wasn’t trying to scare me.
“I’m sorry, Killian. It’s The Ray Effect. I’m feeling like I’ve still got PTSD from being with him.”
“You’re no longer with him. You’re mine now, Violet. That means it’s time for The Killian Effect.”
I snicker.
He’s serious. He doesn’t crack a smile.
I moisten my lips. “What does that look like?”
His harsh expression melts into a smile that makes my heart skip a beat. He drops a sweet kiss on my hand before pulling me onto his lap. “Dimples.”
I smile, shyly.
He pokes my cheek. “Like those. And orgasms. Smiles. Happy Violet. Even happier Killian.”
“Stunning orgasms?” I ask.
His eyes light up playfully. “Like you won’t believe…”
“I already don’t believe…”
“Then let me show you,” he leans in and kisses me.
And things quickly get heated as his mouth moves over mine, as his sounds and touch excite me. I pull back to catch a breath.
“But is warp speed necessary? This is hard to explain, but I’ve been through what feels like a war or time served in a prison. I need to figure out who I am now. I’m changed. And I’ve been dying to just have time to figure out who I am now.”
“So what are you saying?” He props his elbow on the back of the couch and rests his cheek on his palm.
The look on his face has my heart feeling like it’s caving in.
“I’m not saying I don’t want to be with you. You came out of the blue, unexpectedly. Like a hero.” I’m feeling emotional. My chin wobbles. “You’re like an answered prayer, a wish blown on a dandelion coming true. But I’m a little scared.”
His eyes flash with something I don’t think I’ve ever seen. It just about knocks me over. “Nothing to be scared about,” he says gently. “I’ll slay all the monsters, Violet. Every one of them. You might say we can’t see the future but I’ve gotta tell you, I feel like I can. I feel like it’s you and me, all the way.”
Oh my God. This guy truly is a dream come true.
“I don’t wanna fuck it up because of how fucked up I am.”
He shakes his head. “I’ve got all the patience in the world for you, for what you’ve been through. Could’ve been us three years ago, all this time. Let’s not waste more time.”
I blow out a long breath. “I don’t wanna be fucked up, afraid, I wanna find my voice again, Killian. I just wanna make sure I don’t screw up with you by us taking things too fast. I wanna maybe get a little bit of counseling. Take things slow, so I fix myself instead of jumping in with you and going too fast and doing this the wrong way. I lost myself with him and I don’t want to be lost anymore.”
“Do you, okay, baby? I’m here. I understand what you’re saying, but I don’t wanna wait. I’ve already lost three years and I don’t wanna play games with this. I want you to know where I’m at.”
I smile and put my hand to his cheek. “I know you’re not him. I just need you to be a little bit patient with me.”
“I can do that. Don’t go back to that apartment, though. I don’t want you there. Don’t want you in that place that felt like a jail cell for all that time with him. You’re not ready to move in with me right away, let’s get you another place. We’ll take it slow if you really need that, but just don’t go back there. It’ll keep me up at night thinking of you being in that place with those memories. I want you to be able to forget all the bad shit as soon as you can. That way, it’s you and me movin’ forward, whatever the pace, but just you and me. Not you haunted by memories of him.”
I nod. “Let’s take it a day at a time right now, okay? I won’t go back there, but I can’t promise I’m ready to fully move in yet. Maybe I can move in with Susanna temporarily, or…”
His face has dropped. And I don’t want to hurt his feelings, so I change tact.
“Let’s talk about it at the end of the weekend. How about that? We don’t have to figure everything out immediately, do we?”
“Okay, baby. I don’t want you to feel pressured. But I also don’t want you to wonder where you stand with me.”