I don’t know what in the world is going on, but I’m in a daze as I robotically pack the bag for him with my heart racing the whole time.
***
He gives me another peck on my lips, repeating, “Don’t forget to call Henny. Not text. Call him. Make sure you speak to him, even if you gotta call a bunch of times. I love you.”
“Okay,” I barely get out and he’s running from the car to catch his flight.
I drive home in a daze.
He was so excited to go; he didn’t notice I didn’t say I love you back.
Or he did and he’s still in denial. I mean, obviously he’s in denial. I broke up with him the other night. Again. And he ignored it.
Lately, when he says the L-word and I didn’t say it back, he calls me out for it and gets all miserable or storms off. This time, he is gone, suitcase in hand and out of my life. For a week. A whole week.
I cry all the way home.
I cry because I’ll have a whole week of peace. I cry, too, because it’s only a week and I know I have to figure my stuff out in this time because I have to find a way out. I have to.
If I’m smart, I’ll take this time to pack my shit and go. Or… pack his shit and make him go. Leaving him might be my best shot but I’m the one with a life here. My family lives nearby. He has no one but a mother that he doesn’t talk to. I have a job. He doesn’t. It’s my apartment.
He has this opportunity, so he’s going to make money and not be so reliant on me. He’ll come back with cash in hand so that he can take care of that debt of his and move forward.
I need to convince him to move forward with his own life. And leave me alone.
I’ve had a good reputation with the landlord up until recently. I’d be late on rent, but I’d ask for an extension. I have no money for my car payment, but I’ll ask for an extension. I’ll live tight and lean for a while and get caught up. With not having him to worry about, I’ll be able to do it.
He left my bank card in case his trip got extended, saying Killian might send him to another location after Atlantic City for a similar job. My account has $27 in it and I have bus tickets to get me until next pay, so I’ll use it to buy a bit of food to tide me over and I’ll find my way there – where I need to be. I’ll get there and figure out how to be strong enough to make him go when he comes back. Make him move out. I’ll get through this with the seven days ahead of me of peace and quiet. Time to figure things out.
We hurried to my car, which had been parked two blocks away because clearly, he was hiding. I barely listened when he talked on the way to the airport about how Killian was going to make him a lot of money, how Killian needed someone like him in his organization, how Ray’s expertise would benefit Killian’s company.
He was flying to Atlantic City to gather intelligence on some of Killian’s competitors. He was going to bring it all back for Killian, having all expenses paid while he was gone. Killian gave him a company American Express card for his expenses and would be paying him eight grand for the week on top of that, money that’d come when he got back. He told me he was having a company phone sent to Ray, too and Ray’s phone was about to run out of his prepaid plan so he’d might as well leave it here so I can use it to call his bookie and cover that for him.
He gushed so much and said Killian’s name so many times it would’ve been comical under any other circumstance.
Ray gave me that one task to complete while he was gone – call his bookie on his phone and tell him Ray is out of town and will take care of him the minute he’s back. He told me I should tell “Henny” that he’s out of town working for Killian Coulter and that he’ll be back in a week and will immediately deliver what he owes. He told me to make sure to use Killian’s name.
I got home and immediately made the call, hating that I had to even do it but wanting it over with.
My dad taught me you should do the most difficult task in your day early instead of putting it off – then it was one less burden to deal with. I should’ve followed that advice always, but had forgotten over the last few years. I’ve decided I’m re-adopting that motto.