“Safe and warm.”
“Great. That’s … great.” He ran a hand down his face and then his senses began to come alive. “I was sick, wasn’t I?”
I nodded.
“It’s on me, isn’t it?”
Again, I nodded with a smile.
“You’re getting pleasure out of this, aren’t you?”
“Yes.” I took a swig of my drink.
“It’s not what it looks like,” he said.
“Tell me what it looks like,” I said. “Because to me, it looks like you took Sian out to have a good time. In the process, you realized we could all lose her, and rather than tell her not to go, you got drunk. You also got her drunk in the process.”
William’s shoulders slumped. “I guess you do know what it is all about.”
“Yep.” I finished my coffee, already needing another. Since I hadn’t gone to college at the start of the semester, my father had been putting me to work with small projects for the company. In all honesty, it was boring bullshit. The kind that low-level employees had to do. Invoicing, checking through emails. My dad made me do it in order to earn my keep. I believed it was his way of getting my ass back to school.
“It’s not easy to tell her what I want,” he said. “You know this. After everything that has happened, how can I ask her to stay? To be ours?” William wiped at his face. “I’ve got to go get cleaned up. I’m a mess.”
“Have you ever thought that if we all ask her, and tell her it’s not about the initiation anymore, she might consider staying?” I asked.
I saw the hope in William’s eyes, and I didn’t know if that made me a good person or a bad one.
“I’m not saying it’s going to work, William, but it’s a chance. It has to be Sian’s choice.”
“Of course.” He got to his feet.
If anyone was going to tell Sian how they felt, it would be William; he had no problem talking about his feelings and letting others know about it as well.
I moved out of the way as he made to pass. As I left the hallway, a maid was already in the process of cleaning up his mess. I made a note to get my dad to pay them all a bonus. Cleaning up vomit was gross.
Entering the kitchen, I came to a stop when I saw my father. He sat at the kitchen counter, paper in hand, eating his breakfast.
No one else was around.
In the mornings, he liked to be alone.
“You can stay,” he said.
I went to the coffee pot, filling my mug before turning to see my dad watching me. “I’m guessing a passed-out William with vomit was a lesson you boys were teaching him?”
I nodded.
“Next time make sure someone is here to supervise him. This time you got lucky, but if he hadn’t been on his side, he could have choked on his own vomit.”
“I will.” We were always careful, but my dad was right, I wasn’t willing to let William die to teach him a lesson. “He won’t do it again,” I said.
“The boy is hurting. Chances are, he’s going to do it again. You’re not going to have a single say in that.” My dad folded up the paper and put it to one side.
I stared at my dad. So many questions were on the tip of my tongue and I didn’t ask any of them, even as they festered inside me like old water. Was it my right to ask? Could I judge him?
“Get it out, son,” Lucas said, making me jerk my gaze toward him.
“How?”
“What? I’m going to need more than a how.”
“How did you let them take her away from you?” I asked. “How could you marry someone else and watch her have a kid with a guy you could no longer stand?”
Lucas shook his head. “Alexander was still our friend. He was one of us, and seeing as we’d failed her, we knew she’d be looked after with him. We thought she would be. I don’t need to justify my actions to you.”
“They made you give her up. A mistake that wasn’t yours, and they gave her to the enemy. How can you follow a … I don’t even know what it is, okay? The Society, whatever the fuck it is, is it worth it? Nineteen years of pain and misery, do you feel like a winner?”
“Look around you, Gideon. Do you think I could have done this on my own? The benefit of our … organization is contacts. It’s power. It’s being put in the right place at the right time.”
“And you’re miserable because of it. Your wife is out screwing every single man she can find. The one woman you ever loved is missing. How is any of this worth it?” I asked.
“If you think I don’t have regrets about what had to be sacrificed in order to get this, then you’re wrong. I know what I lost. Do you not think I would change things if by chance I could go back?” he asked. “You think I wouldn’t have accepted the drink that started us on this path? I would, but think on this, Gideon. If what hadn’t been allowed to play out, your friends, Sian, maybe even you, wouldn’t have been born. Joan would be ours. None of you would be in existence, and if you all were, you sure as fuck wouldn’t have a Sian to call your own.” He got to his feet. “I don’t expect you to understand the choices I’ve made, but know I made the best of what I could. One day, you will understand that.”