Everything she has said is right. I know it is. I want to settle down, I really do, but I just don’t know if I can. I don’t have the best track record with women, and I’m not going to commit before we’ve even been on a proper date. And what do I have to offer her anyway? I’m a broken-down cowboy. Yeah, I’m finally getting a ranch, but it will take years to get it to a point where I’m making decent money to where I won’t have to worry. She deserves more than that. I shake my head. What am I even thinking? I’m acting like I’m about to marry this girl, and that’s not going to happen.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” I tell her. There’s so much I should explain to her, but I don’t. I just tell her the truth. I really don’t want to hurt her.
“Okay... well, thank you for telling me now...”She’s trying to keep her voice flat and void of emotion, but I can hear the pain.
“Janie...”
“I’m fine... I understand...”
“Stop. You act like I’m breaking up with you or something. All I said was I don’t want to hurt you. Look.” I blow out a breath. Already this is way more than what I’m used to dealing with, but the thought of letting her go is like a sucker punch to the stomach. I can’t. “I know we’re different, and I know I’m fucked up, but I like spending time with you. Let me take you riding. We’re friends... we can be friends, right?”
She hesitates, and I wonder if I offended her with saying fuck or if she’s thinking I’m crazy right now, but eventually, she agrees. “Yes, Carter. Yes, if your leg is all right and you feel like it... I would love to go riding with you.”
“Good. It’s settled. I’ll pick you up like we planned. And listen, Janie, no more trying to back out. I’m looking forward to seeing you.”
Her voice softens, and my chest tightens at the sound. “Okay, Carter. Me too. I’m looking forward to seeing you too.”
Her words bring a whole new slew of images to my mind, and I try to tamp them down. I definitely shouldn’t be thinking that, not with her and not right now. “All right, so tell me about job hunting today. Were you able to find something you think you’d like to do?”
She starts to talk about the applications she put in, and I listen to her talk. I walk across my land, soaking in the views and letting her voice wrap around me. There’s a calm within me when I talk to her, but I don’t want to think too much about it. I want her more than I’ve ever wanted a woman, but I know I can’t have her. Not without the whole wedding and vows, but I can’t let myself think that—not now, anyway. Plus, there’s no denying the fact that she deserves more than I’m able to give her right now.
“... but so far, my most promising application was probably at Sugar Glaze. They are thinking about hiring someone to work part time in the evenings at the store and also to handle their social media marketing. The atmosphere was laid-back, and they were all so kind. Do you know they give a big discount to the police, fire department, and military? I thought that was so sweet when I found out.”
There are so many things I hate about what she just said, but I can’t say a word about it. I don’t have that right. I put my free hand in my front pocket and roll front and back on my feet. So she would be working nights, and automatically I’m wondering when I’d get to see her, even though we just talked about being friends. And then she’s telling me that they offer discounts and already I’m picturing all the policemen and fireman that would be coming in to see her, regardless of the discount. I drag my hand out of my pocket and rub my chest. I have a weird achy feeling and wonder if maybe it’s heartburn or something.
Janie continues. “Of course, that’s probably a bad idea because I definitely don’t need to eat sweets. I’m already feeling sorry for the horse I’m going to be riding tomorrow.” She says it jokingly, with a giggle at the end, but I still hate hearing it.
“Janie, you’re perfect,” I tell her point blank.
“I wasn’t fishing for a compliment or anything. I know what I am,” she says, her voice a little defensive.
“I don’t want to hear you talk like that. I like you just the way you are, and I wouldn’t want you to change for anything. You’re beautiful inside and out, and even though I probably shouldn’t say it, I’m going to...”