I walk up and place my hand on his back. Keeping my voice low, I ask, “Are you okay?”
He shakes his head, then answer verbally. “No.”
“What can I do?” I’m whispering now.
He turns and regards me with bleak eyes. “Stay with me,” he answers gruffly. “I don’t want to be alone right now.”
There’s no hesitation when I nod. “Okay.” Relief immediately covers his face. “I need to call Jeremy and let him know I won’t be home tonight.”
When Jeremy came by the house to watch the kids earlier, I told him I didn’t know how long I’d be. He told me to take as long as I needed. I didn’t tell him what I was doing exactly, just that I was going to check on a friend, but I think he knew anyway. The kids have mentioned Alexander a few times, and I’m sure he saw something when he picked the kids and me up after the snowstorm. He never said a word, but his eyes held understanding.
Once I get off the phone with Jeremy, who said he’d stay with the kids, I shed my jacket. I find the living room empty and the kitchen the same way. I walk down the hallway, where I see light filtering out of his bedroom. Unsure of what I’ll find, I walk cautiously into his room. Gigi is on her bed sleeping soundly. I find Alexander in the bathroom, stari
ng at his reflection in the mirror. He’s looking at himself as if he’s disgusted with what he sees. I understand the reaction, even if I don’t agree with it. He’s the most beautiful man I’ve ever met, on the inside and out. I just wish he saw that himself.
I walk up behind him, but stay to the side so I can keep him in view. At first, he doesn’t seem to notice me, but when I stop behind him, his eyes flicker to mine. The look of revulsion disappears and something else takes its place. Reverence, maybe? Wonder? Confusion? I’m not sure.
He holds my stare, and I wonder what he’s thinking. What’s going through his head? Before I get a chance to dwell on it, he turns around, grabs my hand, and leads me back into his room, flipping the light off as he goes. We stop at the side of the bed. He pulls back the covers, and without asking, I slip off my shoes and climb in. He reaches back and tugs off his shirt before following me.
Under different circumstances, butterflies would be swarming in my stomach right now. Being in bed with Alexander is something I never thought would happen, but I’ll admit, I’ve secretly wondered what it would be like, especially the last few days. Now though, after everything that’s happened today, sex is the last thing on my mind. Comfort is what he needs right now.
My eyes briefly hit on the scars on his chest before I bring them up to meet his.
“Roll over,” he says deeply.
I roll over, and as soon as I do, a wall of warm muscle meets my back. His arms band around my waist, tugging me against him, and his legs spoon mine. My arms line up against his. The embrace is tight and secure, and I get the sense he needs that right now, to feel connected to someone.
His warm breath blows across the back of my neck. “Thank you.”
My arms tighten against his and tears prick the backs of my eyes at the way his words crack as they leave his throat. He buries his face in my hair, and I hear him take a deep, shaky breath.
I lie there for a long time, going over what he revealed tonight and wondering how he’s coped this whole time. Not because guilt should have eaten away at him, but because of how he lost his family. His baby was only seven weeks old. He never got to have her in his home. And to watch them die right in front of his eyes, knowing there was nothing he could do; and there wasn’t anything he could do, no matter how much he may think otherwise. No man, woman, or child should have to witness something so horrific. For him to do so and still manage to get by just shows how strong he is. But then I wonder how well he is managing. Watching him tonight talk about his family, he looked half dead, like a vital part of him was missing.
I close my eyes and bring one of his hands up to my mouth, kissing the back of it. Learning what he’s been through makes me want to cement myself into his life even more. To love him and help bring him back to the living. To cherish the great man he is and the wonderful father he could be. Something tells me, like a soft whisper in the night, that I was meant to meet this man for a reason. My kids and I were brought into his life not by coincidence, but by fate.
His breathing against my neck has evened out, indicating he’s asleep. I relax my body against him more, wanting no gaps or spaces between us.
“Good night, Alexander,” I say softly into the dark, not expecting a reply.
“Good night, Gwendolyn,” he whispers, surprising me, then kisses the back of my neck.
I don’t know if he did it in his sleep or if he’s fully conscious, but regardless of the reason, it brings comfort to my own beaten heart, solidifying that I’m exactly where I belong.
Chapter 16
Alexander
I wake with a dry mouth, pissed-off stomach, and headache from hell, but none of that matters because I have something warm and sweet in my arms. Something I know shouldn’t be there, but I cherish it just the same.
The sun is bright coming in the window, so I shove my face deeper in Gwen’s hair. I breathe in deep, loving the smell of her. It’s amazing how right she feels in my arms. I wish I could hold her here forever.
Memories of yesterday run through my mind. I totally fucking lost it in front of her and told her everything. She had a right to know, especially because I know she feels something for me.
She didn’t say much or act disgusted, but given time to think about it, that doesn’t mean she won’t today. Gwen’s a good, loving woman, and I know she doesn’t judge, but what happened to my family, what I couldn’t prevent, would turn anyone’s stomach. Rationally, I know there was nothing I could do to save my family, but my heart screams at me, saying there had to have been something I could have done. I could have told the doctors that since it was so late, we should wait until the morning to bring Rayne home. The only reason I didn’t was because Clara and I were both so excited about finally being able to bring her home and start living our lives as a family. I could have not jerked the wheel so much or tried harder to keep control of the car. Maybe they would still be alive if I had just slammed on the brakes and hit the car head-on instead of swerving.
There are so many what-ifs. Too many for the guilt that plagues me to let it rest.
I pinch my eyes shut and force away the painful memories. I don’t want them to pull me under right now. Not when I have Gwen in my arms, because I don’t know how much longer that will last. I wouldn’t blame her if knowing what she knows now changes her feelings toward me.