“I don’t feel triggered,” he says. “I feel disappointed. Powerless—although we’re not. And I feel—” He exhales, ruffling a hand back through his blond hair. “For the people who have been to these places. At its root, this is the church’s failing. And I’m part of the church.”
So he’s saying he feels guilty?
“It’s not your fault.”
“You don’t have to reassure me, Ezra. I’m okay. How do you feel?”
Tears fill my eyes. I try not to blink so they don’t fall. I’m fucking tired of crying.
“I don’t know,” I whisper. “I…don’t know. I’m glad you’re doing it. I want to add my name to the suit.”
Hesitation flickers over his face. “You don’t have to decide today.”
“No. I want to. Have to. I should have done more sooner. I—”
He’s shaking his head. He gives a soft laugh. “You did. You came and you told me—someone who could do something about it. Our new program needed an agenda. You helped give us one. Because you were brave enough to seek me out, you’re gonna be what gets them shut down.”
I take a deep breath, and then another one. That can’t be true. But he’s smiling at me like he’s proud. I feel my ears tingle with heat.
“Okay. Well…I’m in,” I say. “I’m sure I want to do it.”
“You should take some time to think about it. You pushed over the first domino. That can be enough.”
I shake my head. “Not for me.”
“We can talk about it more. Whatever you want,” he adds.
My stomach does a slow roll as I think of everybody finding out I went to Alton. But at the same time, there’s a part of me that doesn’t care. What could be worse than…Alton.
“One more thing,” Luke tells me. “I did some digging on the guy you mentioned—Paul. I have an update on him, if you want it.”
“I want it.” I clench my jaw, and Luke says, “He’s not working there now. And I don’t think he has since you attended. The program was founded by his father. He was one of the first participants. After what happened when you were there—”
“The stroke?” I rasp.
He nods. “After the stroke, he had some issues. In any event, he hasn’t worked since. Still collects pay, but doesn’t work. It’s being run by a man named Richard Derby right now. Kids are still…going through the events that you told us about. But no one’s being locked up like you were. We haven’t seen employees…infringing on the kids.”
“So they’re just doing all the porn stuff, still, and making the kids get with one another?”
He nods once, his mouth tight. His face gentles. “We’ll run a support group for survivors of Alton and a few other places we’re doing the same thing with—trying to get them shut down. We’ll offer services and a few retreats at Evermore. All free of cost, of course.”
“I want to help. I could…I don’t know. Give input or something. Talk to others…like me. You know.”
“Other survivors?” he says.
I nod, feeling weird about that word. “Yeah, if you want me to.”
“Just think about it,” he says. He holds my eyes, and mine well up.
“I’m proud of you,” Luke tells me. “If you decide you don’t want to be on the suit, I’ll still be the same proud.”
“Like a dad?” I joke.
He gives me a look of warning. “Like a much older brother.”
Josh stirs against me, and Luke gives me a winky smile. “I’ll keep you as updated as you want. We’ll talk more. V and I will be in Tuscaloosa for a little while. And Eden.”
“What are you doing there?” I ask, tracing a seam of the blanket with my fingertip.
Luke grins. “We thought we’d get a condo down there. Maybe get some season tickets. There’s this guy who plays there, Ezra Masters…” He shrugs. “Heard he’s something to see.”
Double Overtime
One
Ezra
The only Friday in February that the New York Times reporter is available, and so am I, turns out to be Valentine’s Day. Someone from Luke’s church set the thing up—with a writer that they know. So Luke offered to fly Josh and me to New York. But the reporter insisted on coming down to Tuscaloosa. He wanted to do the interview in my dorm room, but I’m not up for that. Anyway, I hardly even live there now. I’m Miller’s live-in house husband.
Somehow in the last month, our schedules have done a role reversal. Mills hit the ground running when spring semester started here at University of Alabama. He got himself enrolled in concert band and involved in intramural soccer, so as soon as classes started, he got busy as fuck. I, on the other hand, have been driving the Jeep from building to building, crutching my way to classes, and spending lots of time finding my groove with Netflix.
Even right now, Mills is finishing a cello practice, and I’m here at his—our—place, setting up his V-Day stuff and waiting on the reporter. If things go the way I think, Mills will get here an hour and a half before Dirk the reporter arrives. Mills knows about the deal and is prepared, but being welcomed in by two guys instead of one might be a shock to Dirk. Luke hasn’t told the guy I’m gay. But I know Dirk is, so I’m hoping it’ll work out.