My brain plays through my childhood, and all I feel is a headache; all I see is blood and trauma, trauma my own parents never even knew I was exposed to.
I freeze—because I chose it.
I fucking chose it.
“I’m bad, Mama,” I said over and over again. “They deserve punishment, though. They do, right?”
Mom pulled me into her arms. “They’re bad people. Your dad is keeping you safe, but you shouldn’t have to deal with it.”
“But I’m a man,” I said with a broken voice. “I’m a man, and Dad says I’m going to take over for him. I can’t be weak, Mama.”
A tear slid down her cheek. “You’re the strongest boy I know…” She tilted her head. “Is there something that you need to talk about? To tell me?”
I thought back to the blood.
My hiding spot.
And my future.
And I lied. “No, Mama, I was just thinking…”
“Stop thinking so much.” She smiled and ruffled my hair. “You’re a kid; let yourself have fun, go find King and play a video game.”
“Okay.” I hopped off her lap and ran down the hall, abruptly colliding with my dad, stumbling backward.
Dad looks down at me and smiles. There’s blood on his watch as he ruffles my hair. “Want pizza tonight?”
“What’s that?” I point to his watch, ignoring his question.
He quickly wipes it. “Don’t worry about it, bud.”
“Will I have blood on my watch one day, Dad?” I asked.
He hesitated enough for me to know the answer. “Let’s go ask Mom what she wants for dinner.”
I loved and respected my dad for not lying to me.
But I also spent the night crying after overhearing my parents arguing about raising a monster.
I grew up not worried about the monsters under the bed.
But the one lying in it.
Me.
Bits and pieces of conversations nibble at me. Then, with King standing there in silence, they move in, fill my head.
“You’re just like your father.”
“You look just like Andrei.”
“How lucky that you’ll take over the Sinacore Family.”
“What a privilege.”
“Pretty big shoes to fill.”
I clench my teeth and let out a little scream before opening my eyes again and staring King down.
He’s still standing there, quiet, letting me have my moment before he speaks. “Maybe,” King whispers, “you’re the problem, Maks… you can only hide true nature for so long. It’s possible to be a good person, to love science, but to understand that deep down, vengeance is your goal; deep down, blood must be spilled. It’s okay to be both.”
“No.” Prickles of awareness cascade over my body like a chilly fog. “I can’t be that. If I’m him, then that means… it means I’m like him.”
“What?” King asks.
“I prayed,” I whisper. “I prayed every night that I wouldn’t turn into a monster. I tried so hard to be something different, something better. I let Ash and Junior take out the hits, even you… I stayed in the background, only sparring when necessary. I didn’t—I didn’t want this!”
“Why not?” King asks. “Why don’t you want it?”
“B-because.” I stumble over my words. “It’s wrong.”
“Revenge is wrong? Vengeance? Protecting your family at all costs?”
I thrash against the bondage holding me hostage. “Yes. No. I don’t know!”
“And that’s the problem.” King moves toward the door. “You do know the truth, but you’re unwilling to face it, almost like looking in the mirror and being afraid of what you’ll see.”
I squeeze my eyes shut, imagining myself in front of the mirror, a sinister smile in place, blood dripping from my fingertips. “I killed my friend.”
“Kill or be killed,” King says. “Think about it. How far would you go to save Izzy?”
“Leave her the fuck out of this!” I bellow, not recognizing my own voice.
“Huh, interesting. Looks like both personalities love her… I wonder why.” He opens the door and calls out. “He’s ready for you, Iz.”
“Where the hell are you going?” I roar.
“To get married, of course.” King scowls. “Because sometimes you aren’t given a choice, sometimes you can’t forget the things you do in the dark and have to face them in the light. I’m going to unite a shit Family with ours, so nobody else dies or burns in a fire.”
I struggle against the bonds. “It’s a trap! Listen, King, you have to listen; there’s no way it’s that easy!”
“It could be”—he shrugs—“just that easy.”
“It’s not!”
“Love you, man.” King salutes me and leaves the room.
I’m still struggling with the ropes when Izzy walks in, skin pale, blue eyes wide as she drinks me in. “You look better.”
“Yeah well, give me any more suppressants, and my heart might explode.”
She gasps.
“I was joking.”
“I’m not laughing.”
I still. “Why are you here?”
“For you,” she says simply. “I’m here for you, to say…” Her voice cracks. “Nikolai says I need to…” She doesn’t finish.
Does she really have to?
We both know what she’s about to say.
I hang my head; tears burn the back of my eyes.