So many things.
My stomach twists again at the thought of what could go wrong. He might take me out and decide I’m not his type at all. He may pawn my last session off on someone else to avoid me. How awkward would that be?
Maybe he’ll be the weird one. Conversation might suck. What if he gets too touchy? What if he has some strange kink that I’m not ready for? What if he wants anal?
I shiver.
Or what if he likes me? What if things go so well that we see each other again? And then what if they end up not working out, and I have to pull myself out of a mental hole for the second time in my life when I didn’t think I’d be able to do it once?
“Breathe,” Haley says, laying a hand on my shoulder. “It’s going to be fine.”
“I know.” Kind of.
Anna presses a rough kiss to my cheek and then heads for the door. “Knock him dead, Mom.” She stops in the doorway. “Is that what old people say?”
I just shake my head.
She shrugs. “Or whatever. Have fun. I’ll be at Johanna’s if you need me.” She looks at Haley. “You ready?”
“Yeah. Go on out to the car. I’ll be there in a second.”
Neither Haley nor I speak until the front door opens and closes. We both exhale at the same time.
“Tell me I can do this,” I beg my friend. “Tell me that I’m not going to embarrass myself.”
“You are going to have the best time, and I can’t wait for you to tell me all about it tomorrow.” She brushes a piece of lint off my cardigan. “I’ll tell Anna that if she doesn’t hear from you tonight, to call me, and she can sleep at my house.”
My heart tugs in my chest. I smile at my friend.
“I appreciate you, Haley.”
“I know you do. I also know you’d do the same for me.”
“In a heartbeat.”
She winks and heads for the door. “Call me if you need me. Otherwise, have fun. Relax. Enjoy the handsome devil.”
I take a deep breath. “Okay.”
“Okay.” She blows me a kiss from the doorway before disappearing.
The house feels empty as soon as the front door latches shut. The unexpected quiet and space give me time to be alone with my thoughts.
I pick up a picture frame of my grandmother and me. We were in the kitchen of her old farmhouse canning green beans for the winter.
Grandma was my biggest champion. She encouraged me to try every sport offered in our town. I was a cheerleader and volleyball player, and I tried softball and track. She entered me in pageants and signed me up for piano lessons too. And when the high school debate team wouldn’t allow girls, she helped me make signs to protest.
We got that rule changed.
She met Derrick a few times before she passed away. While she never expressed a dislike of him, I never got the impression that she loved him either. I told myself it was because she didn’t have time to get to know him, but I don’t know if I ever truly believed that.
Grandma was many things, but she was love personified. She loved big, she loved much, she loved many. And I know she’d want love for me too.
I still recall her words about what I should expect in a marriage. In any relationship, really.
You know how much you are loved by the goodness shown you, sweet Kaylee girl. Loving you is easy. Anyone who makes you feel like loving you is hard doesn’t really love you. Remember that.
I smile at the picture.
I miss you, Grandma.
I set the frame down as the doorbell rings.
My heart races as I grab my purse. My blood pounds through my veins, making me a little dizzy, as I make it to the door. I can taste a shot of bile creeping up my throat as I pull the door open.
And then I see him.
Dane is standing on my porch wearing a pair of jeans and a black button-up shirt. His face is freshly shaven and breaks into a full-fledge smile when he sees me.
“Wow,” he says.
I blush. “Wow to you too.”
He laughs.
“Are you ready to go?” I ask him.
“Yes.”
He moves so that I can step onto the porch. I do and quickly lock up behind me. He motions for me to start down the sidewalk in front of him, so I do.
“I think I passed Haley and your daughter down the street,” he says as we reach his truck.
“What makes you think that?”
“Well, your daughter rolled down her window and told me to be nice to you, or she’d come for me.”
I laugh as he opens the door. “I’m sorry. She’s a handful.”
“I like her spunk.” He stops me from climbing into the cab.