It made me hate my mom even more than I already did.
If she'd been around, if she'd chosen a better man and held our family together, then nothing would be as it is.
The thing is, over time, I've realized that the knocks we have - the potholes on our road - make us who we are. There's no joy without sorrow. There's no wisdom without learning hard lessons. I'll always miss my brother, but there's no going back. Greg told me that Jake would be pissed at me. He was a young man who loved life, and he'd be mad as hell to watch me wasting mine. Seeing Luna again and making peace with her has made me realize that there are still people in my life whom I love and who love me. I may have lost my blood brother, but I have five of the best-acquired brothers a man could ever have.
The only thing I can't get back is Sandy.
It's not fair to ask. I did my best to try to keep her. I gave her the most important people in my life, but it didn't work. The pain in her eyes was so evident when she stared into mine. Putting pressure on her just isn't the right thing to do.
I fling open the door to my truck, my big black boots hitting the ground with a loud purposeful thud. Sandy has her reasons, and the best thing I can do is leave her in peace.
From inside the house, I can hear loud music. The song is familiar. Something my mom has been playing since my childhood. Something that used to accompany her worst binges. Luna's only been gone a day. Has she already relapsed in that time?
I bang my fist on the door decisively. Whatever is inside, I'm going to deal with it. I'm not the disappointed little boy anymore. I'm a man who can look at the situation without emotion.
At first, there is no response. I bang again, and a man's voice grumbles from inside. Then I hear an expletive, and I try the handle. The door swings on its hinges with too much ease and the smell from inside hits me in the face.
Cigarettes, alcohol, stale bodies, and old food. It smells like a dorm after a party, except this house is where a middle-aged woman lives. I take a step inside, glancing around. In the den, I can see a man's feet sticking out from behind a couch. To the right is the kitchen and two more steps tells me it's empty apart from the discarded beer bottles on the floor. The stairs rise to the first floor, and I take them two at a time, not caring who I might discover or what they might be engaged in. I made a promise to my sister, and I'll handle whatever I find.
There are two doors at the top. Luna secured the lease on this place, and it would be nice if anyone else was living here. Mom is too busy fucking up her life to deal with chores. I peek into the room on the left, but it's empty. In the room on the right, I find mom face down on her bed. For a moment, I think she's dead. She's finally taken things too far. She still has the same emaciated frame and lank hair, and everything about her screams addict. But then her chest rises, and I know she's just sleeping.
I don't go any closer. Instead, I turn, jog down the stairs and out into the front yard, drawing in lungfuls of fresh air.
Pulling out my phone, I dial Damien's number. It doesn't take me long to explain what I need. When he hangs up, I lean against my truck.
I can't save my mom, but what I can do is bring in some cleaners to sort out the house and some good food to fill her fridge. I can get my boys down here to help me remove whoever the swearing scumbag is in the den. I can toss out all the drugs I can find and spend half an hour trying to persuade Mom not to go back to her dealer.
And after that, I'll go home and get on with my life. Until Luna's back, I'll check in on her weekly as I promised. Kaylee’s lasted this long. She'll probably outlast us all.
I may not be the best son in the world, but I'll try to do what I can.
36
SANDY
I don't know who I was expecting to find standing on my doorstep in the middle of the day, but it sure wasn't Able and Greg. Well, if I'd had to guess which of the six boys from Deep Repairs would have come after me, Able would have been top of my list. Greg would have been bottom, and yet he's here, looking at me with his intense black eyes, turning my heart inside out.