“You know that’s bullshit, don’t you?” Darren interjected gently. “Wait until marriage if you want, but whether you only have sex with one person in your life, or a hundred people, or two hundred people, that has no bearing on your worth as a person.”
I nodded. “I know that, I do. But it’s hard to let go of completely. And there’s also a part of me that doesn’t want to disappoint my dad.” I blushed, but Saul was watching me intently, an expression of ardent interest on his face. “You know, he raised me in the church, and he taught me to believe that it was important for me to save myself, for God.”
“Is that what you believe?” Saul asked.
I bit my lip, considering how to answer. “In my heart, no, not really. Not anymore. I don’t think God loves me more or less if I do or do not have sex. And I really don’t want to disappoint my dad. He’s all I’ve had, for a long time. I owe everything to him.” I paused, wondering if I had the guts to say what I was really thinking. “And I’m starting to think . . . I may not want to wait. I’m just not sure yet.” In truth, I was almost certain I didn’t want to wait any longer. The thought had been lurking in the back of my mind since Lester and Chris had offered their proposition: would tonight be the night I stopped being such a good girl?
Saul had been listening intently, a thoughtful expression on his face. “There can be a lot of shame and secrecy around sex,” he said. “Our culture doesn’t make it easy to talk about these things openly, which is why it’s so important that places like the Ball exist, to give us the freedom to explore ourselves without shame.”
“I’m starting to see that,” I said. I had never thought a place like the Ball could exist. In my mind, sex was private, and anyone who treated it otherwise was morally bankrupt. Visiting a sex club? Absolutely out of the question. In one night, all of that thinking had been completely turned around.
“It sounds like you’ve been thinking about this for a long time,” he said. “You don’t have to make any decisions right this moment, of course, but if you do decide you don’t want to wait any longer, I think I know the perfect person to lose your virginity to.”
“Oh?” My interest piqued, I glanced between Saul and Darren. “Who would that be?”
“Our friend, Grant,” Saul said. Darren’s eyebrows shot up. “He’s been having a rough time of things lately, but he’s a good guy, and he would treat you well. He would make sure you enjoyed it.”
I considered this, somewhat surprised that Saul hadn’t volunteered himself. I had gotten the impression that both he and Darren were interested in me, but maybe I was wrong. “Maybe,” I said finally. “I just don’t know . . .”
Saul laid his hand on my thigh, and I felt the contact like a jolt of electricity through my spine. “That’s okay,” he said. “There’s no hurry.” His thumb moved in gentle circles against my skin. “In the meantime . . . Ella, can I kiss you?”
My mouth suddenly went dry, and I licked my lips. Saul’s dark eyes followed the movement of my tongue. I nodded, not trusting my voice to speak.
Saul leaned forward and pressed his lips gently against mine. This was a far cry from the wet, unpleasant kiss Peter had forced on me. He kissed me gently, his lips playing softly over mine, never taking more than I was willing to give. I felt myself relax into him.
After a moment, another hand joined Saul’s on my thigh. I pulled away with a gasp, and Darren turned my face gently toward him.
“My turn,” he said quietly, a question in his eyes. I nodded, heart beating so hard I was sure they could both hear it.
Darren’s kiss was deeper, harder. His teeth nipped gently at my lower lip, and I hummed with pleasure. As we kissed, Saul’s hands explored my body, running lightly up my ribs, eliciting little shivers of delight.
When Darren and I broke apart, I was breathing heavily. Saul ran his fingers through my hair, and I sent up a silent prayer of thanks that I had thoroughly secured my wig with about fifty bobby pins. “You are so beautiful, Ella,” he murmured. “I’d like to see more of you. Can I take off your mask?”
I shook my head. I was beginning to enjoy being Sexerella, and I knew that without my disguise, I would immediately lose my nerve. Ella would never be here, at this bar, kissing two men at once. Saul sighed, but he was smiling. “A woman of mystery,” he said. “I like that about you.”