“When I read this as a kid, it was the first time it really dawned on me there was a great big world outside of rural Louisiana, and that it was okay to chase your dreams,” I said. “I didn’t see a lot of that around me back then. Actually, everyone just seemed to be standing still. My parents have lived their entire lives within five miles of where they were born, and I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that because they seem perfectly content. But I knew from a very early age that what I wanted for myself was never going to be found in that small town.”
“What did you want?”
“Someplace where I didn’t stand out. By the time I read this book at six or seven years old, I’d already been called a freak, a homo, a sissy, every slur you can think of for a boy who wasn’t as masculine as people felt I should be. I didn’t just hear that from the other kids, either. It’s shocking, what some adults will actually say to children.”
He asked, “Did you hear it from your parents?”
“Not the slurs, but my dad was always telling me I needed to toughen up and stop acting like a girl. He didn’t know any better at the time. When I was about twenty-two, I finally explained why that had hurt me, and he apologized and felt just awful.”
I closed the book and traced the colorful cover as I continued, “Even before I knew what it meant to be gay, two messages came through loud and clear—I was different, and that wasn’t okay in that town. Thank God for my love of books and movies. They showed me there was more to the world and made me believe I’d find a place where I’d fit in someday. I’d hate to think what would have become of me otherwise.”
“I’m so glad you got out of that place.”
“It wasn’t all bad,” I said. “When we go for a visit in a few weeks, I’ll show you all the things I loved about it, including the secret places I’d go to be alone with my thoughts. It means a lot to me to get to share that with you.”
Lorenzo reached across the table and took my hand. “I’m looking forward to it.”
“We talk about my childhood a lot, but we never really talk about yours,” I said. “What was it like?”
“It was actually pretty happy. You know both my parents had emigrated from Mexico, and they thought they were living the dream. We were poor, but so was everyone in our neighborhood, so we didn’t really feel like we were missing out on anything.”
He took a sip of hot chocolate and continued, “For me personally, it was all about pushing myself to succeed at everything. It wasn’t enough to get good grades, I needed straight A’s. I also had to excel in sports, be popular, and make my parents proud. I was the oldest of three and was always told I needed to set a good example for my brothers, so that’s what I did. Deep down, I knew I was different because I was attracted to boys in the same way I was attracted to girls. But as long as I ignored that part of me, I could fit in and pretend I was just like everyone else.”
“It sounds like you were under a lot of pressure.”
“I was, but I put most of it on myself. My parents wanted to see me succeed, but they didn’t push me. I just had this drive to do more and be more, because I never felt like I was enough.”
I asked, “Do you still feel like that?”
“All the time.”
“I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, because you’re a truly amazing, wonderful person, Lorie.”
He squeezed my hand and said, “You have such a high opinion of me, but I’m far from perfect. In fact, I’ve done some truly stupid things in my life.”
“Like when you posed nude in some pretty sleazy adult magazines to help pay for college? That just makes me happy.”
He grinned and asked, “Why would that make you happy?”
“Because it means you haven’t always been a total saint. God knows I haven’t, either. It’s not the same as the things I’ve done, obviously, but it helps to know there’s at least a tiny bit of tarnish on your halo.”
“Oh, there’s plenty of tarnish, believe me,” he said. “Also, I only mentioned my so-called modeling career once, when we first met. I’d hoped you’d forgotten about it.”
“No chance. I’d love to see those photos, by the way.”
“Luckily, all those magazines are long gone. If they weren’t, you’d be totally repulsed by my mullet and thick, Magnum P.I. mustache.”
My eyes went wide. “Are you serious?”
“Sadly, yes.”
“But this was only about twenty years ago, not 1980. What were you doing with a mullet?”