“You were too lost in your own grief. You can’t be too hard on yourself.”
“Whether that’s true or not I should never have let it guide my entire life. It turned me into someone I don’t even like anymore.”
“I still love you.” The words slipped from her mouth before she even realised she’d said them aloud.
“I don’t deserve your love, Callie. You deserve better than me, more than what I can give you.”
“Josh, if you could have given me your love in return that would have been enough. I know what it’s like not to have love. My parents never wanted children. When I came along, it certainly wasn’t the unexpected bonus their friends told them it was. They gave me the bare necessities of life, barely tolerated me when I was around. Sure, they made certain I was fed and dressed and sent to school. But they never wanted me.
“They loved each other and yet they hated each other, too. Their relationship was symbiotic and destructive at the same time. They both drank, excessively, and they did recreational drugs, too. My mother was the worst. She’d lash out when she was angry and she was angry a lot of the time. When she didn’t get the response, or the respect, from me she believed she was due, she’d change from shouting and verbal abuse to physical violence. My father did nothing to stop her.
“The day I turned fourteen, she beat me worse than she’d ever done before. They had to call an ambulance, but neither of them came to the hospital with me. When the doctors saw my injuries they called the police, but by the time they arrived at our house my parents had left. No one knew where they had gone. I’m assuming they fled the country. We didn’t have the border control then that we do now.”
Callie fell silent, remembering the visit from the social worker telling her that she’d now be a ward of the state and remembering her silent vow not to be under anyone’s control ever again.
“Anyway, as soon as I was well enough I checked myself out of hospital and hit the streets. It wasn’t hard to disappear in the underground community, to learn when to duck and hide and when it was safe.”
“Social services never looked for you?”
“They probably did, but it didn’t take long before I became adept at my new lifestyle and it was easier than what had been before. I survived for two years before things got seriously dangerous for me. That was when Irene’s people found me.”
“More dangerous than living on the street? Callie, you were what by then? Sixteen?”
She looked at Josh across the table. For all the hardship in his upbringing he really had no idea how gruelling life could really be. At least he’d had his mother.
“My last winter on the street was more difficult than the previous two. Wetter, colder—just altogether more miserable. There was a guy I was soft on. He didn’t live on the streets but he spent a lot of time there. That should have been a warning to me, but it wasn’t. Anyway, he’d always been out of my league but this one night he actively sought me out and he offered to take me back to his place for the night. I knew exactly what that meant—and I hate to admit it now—but I was so cold, so tired and so darn hungry I would have done just about anything for warmth and clean sheets that night. So I went with him.”
Her voice faded away on the memory, on the bitter cold and desolation. She became aware of heat encasing her hands. Of Josh’s silent encouragement and support chasing away the fear and the bad memories.
“I found out later that he wasn’t as young as he looked. But he used his youthful appearance to scout for young girls and had quite a business running with them once he got them totally dependent on him and the drugs he pushed. I was one of the lucky ones. The police raided the next morning and I was sent to one of Irene’s facilities.”
She transferred her grip from her mug to Josh’s hands, entwining her fingers through his as if by doing so she could impart the truth of what she was telling him.
“She saved me, Josh. She saved me and made me whole again. She made me see that I could be anything I wanted to be, do anything I wanted to do if I just wanted it enough. I owed her everything.”
“And she took it. She used you and abandoned you when you needed her most.”
“I’m nothing if not consistent,” Callie said bitterly. “Never let it be said that I inspire loyalty in the people in my life.”
“You do in me.”
“No, I don’t. I failed you, too.”
“None of us are perfect, but you could see before I did that I was wrong and that what I was doing was wrong. You have so much courage, Callie, you almost frighten me. You stood up to me, not just once, but twice. You stood up for what you believed in—me. And that’s a gift I want to keep forever—you, your love. Can you ever forgive me?”