But every waiting game had to end. And when it ended, Rohan would have to leave. It was bad enough that everything in him felt sick at the idea of leaving Jamil behind. He didn’t need to get attached to the child too.
“I understand,” Jamil said, his voice still neutral as he pulled away from Rohan and sat up, putting his mental shields up.
Rohan’s hand twitched toward him. Fucking hell, it was unhealthy how much he hated having any barriers between them. He wanted to be inside Jamil, always. He had to actually bite the tip of his tongue to stop himself from saying something he would regret later. It was bad enough that he’d stayed so long, coming up with pathetic excuses to stay instead of joining Warrehn and Sirri at the safe house. He had no right to tell Jamil all the nauseatingly sweet—and disturbingly possessive—things that were threatening to choke him whenever he looked at him.
He didn’t want to break Jamil’s heart. As long as they kept it casual—or pretended well enough—it would be easier when he eventually left. At least he hoped it would be.
Rohan closed his eyes, listening to the sounds of Jamil’s taking a sonic shower, and then starting to dress. It all felt so domestic. It would be so easy to fool himself into thinking that he could have this.
He couldn’t have this, not with them being who they were.
In another world, where there was no Bonding Law, he would have been Jamil’s lord-vassal, which would have made them more than an acceptable match. Technically, Rohan was more blue-blooded than Prince-Consort Mehmer had been: he was a direct descendant of a secondary royal line of the Third Grand Clan. He actually had a claim to the throne if the current royal line was extinguished. In another world, he would have been considered a good match for Jamil: royal blood, but an extremely distant relation so there was no concern about inbreeding.
In this world, none of it mattered.
In this world, Jamil was the Crown Prince while Rohan was the leader of the ‘rebels,’ which made him a criminal in the eyes of the law.
In this world, they could only live in the moment.
Setting his jaw, Rohan made the decision. “I’ll meet you in Tmynne’s room.”
Maybe he was making a mistake, one that would end up hurting them all, but at this moment, it was absolutely worth it when Jamil turned around and beamed at him, his green eyes bright.
Rohan wished he could capture that smile and bottle it up. He had a feeling he was going to need it when it all came crashing down on them.
Chapter 21
Rohan wasn’t ashamed to admit that holding his daughter for the first time had been the scariest thing he’d ever done. She was just so tiny—Jamil had laughed at him at that; apparently Tmynne was a lot bigger now than she used to be. Rohan still felt like he might snap her delicate bones if he held her too tight or drop her if he didn’t hold her tight enough.
That fear had abated a little since then; he was pretty comfortable holding the baby now. At least she didn’t seem to mind, watching him with her beautiful green eyes and smiling at him whenever he made funny faces at her. She was the cutest thing he’d ever seen.
Yeah, the not-getting-attached plan was going so well.
Grimacing, Rohan shook his head to himself, rocking his daughter against his chest. She’d been fussy that day, probably picking up on Jamil’s stress through their bond.
He frowned, thinking about the scandal that had shaken the entire Calluvian society last evening. An amendment to the Bonding Law had been passed, allowing not yet married bondmates to petition for dissolution of their childhood bond as long as the petitioner had reached the age of majority. The fact that such a bill had actually passed came as a shock: the Sixth Grand Clan had been trying to pass it for years, without success. But now not only the bill had passed, but the Lord Chancellor himself had petitioned to break his childhood bond to Jamil’s little brother, causing an enormous scandal Jamil had been trying to manage all day.
Rohan focused on Jamil and his frown deepened when he felt Jamil’s distress. No, not distress; panic.
What the hell?
Rohan put Tmynne into her crib and walked out of her room, in the direction he could feel Jamil.
Turning the corner, he nearly collided with him. Jamil looked wide-eyed and flushed.
“What’s wrong?” Rohan said, pulling him into the nearest room.
Instead of answering, Jamil buried his face in the folds of Rohan’s cravat and let out a shuddering breath. “I messed up. I’m sorry.”
Frowning, Rohan stroked his back soothingly and kissed his ear, making Jamil shiver and cling to him, seeking comfort.