She chewed on her lower lip while she thought about something, but then she let it go to say, “That would be me judging you like I asked you not to do to me, so I believe you.”
Thank Christ.
Needing her close to me, I leaned over and picked her up, then placed her so she was straddling my lap. “Sorry, I needed you close.”
She raised an eyebrow at me. “And you always get what you want?”
I shrugged a shoulder. “I got you, didn’t I?”
Even through the dim light surrounding us, I saw a tinge of pink on her cheeks as she blushed. Then, clearing her throat, she continued with her story.
“Neither of us went into it like we were going to end up married, and Joel was upfront about the fact he wasn’t getting married at all until he could do whatever needed to be done to distance himself entirely from his parents. We dated, we were close and supported each other, and it was like a normal relationship, except we didn’t have the prospect of a long future together.
“When I found out I was pregnant, Joel didn’t tell me to get rid of the baby. Instead, he went to the first scan with me to make sure the baby was okay, and we had a long conversation afterward about what he could and couldn’t offer me. Because I’d known and could see how much his family had damaged him, I understood it all—and still do—so I didn’t force him to give me more than he could. I wouldn’t have anyway.”
“Do you send him pictures?”
She nodded. “I send them to Joel’s lawyer, who holds onto them for him until they have a meeting. When she’s eighteen, Nemi has the choice to get in contact with him via the lawyer, too.”
Rubbing my hands up and down her back, I rested my forehead on her shoulder. “Heidi, I have absolutely no experience with kids and relationships. Everything I do with Nemi is either something Mom suggested or something that hit me that she might like to do. Other times, I’m just winging it and hoping I don’t fuck it all up.”
Lifting my head, I stared into her eyes, loving the shades of brown in them. Dark, light, and hazel all swirled together to make the beauty of Heidi.
“But I swear—swear—I won’t ever let you down. You know as well as I do no one can make promises or guarantees about what will or won’t happen in the future with one hundred percent certainty that it’ll play out that way, but I can do that when I say I won’t hurt or betray either of you.”
Her eyes slid shut and what looked like relief crossed her face. “Thank you.”
“You’re her mom, and you’ve got a lot to think through, so we’ll take this—you and me—at your pace.”
Staring at me right in the eyes, she said, “You’re doing it perfectly just now, so we can keep going at that pace with Nemi.”
Heidi specifying Nemi’s pace not ours was good, because I wanted to go a little bit faster with us. So, leaning in, I kissed her, pouring everything I didn’t know how to put into words into it.
Relief that she’d come on a date with me. Relief that she was trusting me with Nemi. And need—pure, raw need.
“You know, I’ve never once looked at you with judgment, even after I found out you were a single mom. All I could think was how easy you made it look, how great you were with her, what an awesome kid she was,” I cupped her cheek with my hand, smiling when she tilted her head into it, “and how beautiful you are. I’m amazed at how much you can juggle without breaking, grateful that you’ve let me into yours and Nemi’s lives, and I want to kiss you so badly I’d make a deal with the Devil to do it.”
Heidi shyly raised her eyes to meet mine. “You don’t need to do that.”
I swear my hand was shaking as I closed the distance between us. Sure, we’d kissed before, but it felt like something was different between us now. Like there were no walls, nothing keeping us apart.
The kiss started with me gently skimming my lips over hers, but then she surprised me by opening her mouth under mine, allowing my tongue access to hers. The last time she’d been almost shy to begin with, but this time she was a far cry from it as she held the back of my head in place, like she was afraid I’d pull away or stop it.
She was wrong. I had no intentions of doing either of those things right now. I wanted more of her, not less.
Lowering down until I was lying on my back on the blanket with her resting over me, I let go of her face and ran both of my hands down her back until I had her ass cheeks in both of them, loving the way they filled my palms.