I had a doozy of a story few people knew about, and strangely enough, I didn’t mind telling the beautiful woman in front of me about it.
“When I was seventeen, my parents had a dog call Choo-Choo. He was a Malamute who got into everything. Anyway, I was a red blooded seventeen-year-old, and me and my friends had all gone out and bought a pack of condoms, thinking we were the shit because we used them.”
Irrational guilt hit me at telling Heidi that part because of what it insinuated, but I genuinely hoped the rest of the story made up for it. Seeing that she wasn’t looking hurt or upset by it, I carried on.
“So, I’m sitting at the dining table with Canon and Jarrod doing our homework, and Choo-Choo comes running through with something hanging from his mouth. We thought he’d found a sock or something, so we just ignored him. It wasn’t until he threw up and my parents found the condom sitting on top of the gut full of puke that it all pieced together for me.”
Heidi’s lips twitched. “He’d found your rubber stash and eaten one?”
“He had. Dad had to take him to the vet to get checked over and make sure none of it was inside him, which meant the condom story was spread outside the house. That wouldn’t be so bad, but the vet here and his wife were close friends with Linda and Hurst.”
I didn’t have to explain that to Heidi, because her head tipped back, and she burst out laughing.
“Your dog puking up one of your condoms became town news, didn’t it?”
It had. In fact, a photo of Choo-Choo had been in the local paper right after it, talking about what a close call he’d had.
“Yeah. However, I wasn’t the one who got into trouble that night.”
“Did the dog?”
“Nope,” I answered smugly. “Come to find out, Canon had some cigarettes he’d stashed close to my rubbers, and Choo-Choo had eaten one of those. The filter tip of one was in the puke, as was the tobacco. That’s what the vet had to treat him for, possible tobacco poisoning.”
“Holy shit,” she breathed, eyes wide. “That’s a thing?”
“It can happen to humans, too. The dog had his stomach pumped and was given something for it, then he was admitted for monitoring for two days. Canon got reamed for smoking and for the huge vet’s bill my parents had to pay.”
“Did they ever tell you off for the condom?”
I snorted. “Like it wasn’t embarrassing enough that my dog puked up a rubber, my dad went out and bought a new pack for me because he was scared Choo-Choo had punctured the others, and I’d knock some chick up at seventeen.”
Heidi collapsed onto the blanket, laughing so hard her tits were moving with the force of it.
Mental note to self: make her laugh this hard more.
“If my dad—” she wheezed, gasping in air so she could finish what she was saying. “If he’d bought me a pack, I’d never have been a-able t-to use them.”
Clearing my throat, I scratched the back of my neck and focused on a small piece of the blanket under me. “Yeah, that’s pretty much it. I still have them at home in a box of shit from high school. I went out the next day and bought another pack that didn’t make me feel guilty or dirty.”
This revelation made her laugh again, and I was glad that I’d told her about it. I didn’t want to embarrass her or make her feel awkward about anything, especially not a medical condition she had no control over, and I was hoping she’d realize this when she thought back on this moment later.
“My mom was in the OR with me when I had Nemi. When the doctor announced he’d made the first cut, she stood up and looked over the sheet they’d put up to prevent us from seeing it. Instead of fainting or feeling sick, she asked if she could ‘have a go.’”
I hadn’t spent much time around Heidi’s parents, but I could imagine her mom saying that. From what I'd seen, the couple seemed to be more serious than my parents, but at the same time, they enjoyed themselves and life when the opportunity presented itself to them.
“Did the doctor let her?” I was intrigued as well as kind of grossed out by it.
Heidi snorted and shook her head. “Nah, he told her to sit down because it was about to become a bumpy ride.”
“The only pregnancy-related stuff I know was what we learned in sex ed and the things you hear in passing. I’ve spent years around the Townsends, and those guys breed like rabbits, so most of it came from them. Why did the doctor decide to do a cesarean?”
“Because Nemi decided to be awkward and stay in the ass first position.”