I’d deliberated leaving him to sort through whatever memories had attacked—after all, it was all the suppressing he’d done that caused such misery—but then he’d groaned exactly like a haunted, hunted animal, and I couldn’t leave him to his mind’s mercy. I couldn’t stand there and not do my best to snap him out of it.
It turned out, that’d been the wrong decision.
Swallowing, I winced as familiar soreness throbbed around my throat. At this point, I’d almost lost track of how many times he’d strangled me. I was past berating myself or feeling furious or even guilty for being silly enough to keep letting it happen.
This time, he hadn’t been strangling me. I’d known that. Anyone would’ve been able to see that if they looked into his hollow, hurting eyes.
What did he see?
What the hell has he lived through?
Kas popped up by the rapids, climbing from the deeper pool and wading through the shallower parts to the concrete structure in the middle of babbling white water. His naked back glittered with droplets as well as scars, complete with the leather belt that once bound us together. His long hair lay plastered over his shoulders, looking as if he’d just appeared from the jungle for a swim while his bare legs looked almost part of the river as he climbed over rocks and grew closer to his task. He wasn’t self-conscious as his cock bobbed between his thighs. He didn’t glance back at me to ensure I hadn’t run away. He acted as if he couldn’t stand to face me and hurled himself into distraction.
I bit my lip as he slipped on an algae-coated rock, falling to one knee. With his head bowed and both hands digging in the water up to his elbows, he looked as if he prayed to a river god.
He still wasn’t well. Doing this would tax him of whatever energy he’d been able to gain back. He’d brought me here to help, yet...I couldn’t seem to move.
Something called to me.
Something that had once been so strong I’d cried myself to sleep with longing, now whispered on the breeze.
Home.
I shivered as I turned and looked at the cliff surrounding us. The crisscross tree branch canopy shivered in the light wind, dropping the occasional orange and brown, crinkly and dead leaf.
The urge to run whispered louder.
Light-headedness from being strangled answered back.
Half of me swayed toward the rock face, gathering up strength to climb while the other half of me already knew how that story would go.
I would leave.
Kas would follow.
I would climb.
Kas would probably fall.
And I’d return because...
Why?
Because you’re worried about him? Because you care about him?
I winced.
I’d return because I was sick of going around in circles. Sick of fighting and arguing and going against all the nurturing and understanding parts of my nature.
This man was not at all well. Not just because of his concussion but something deeper than that. A rot had begun in his soul, and I didn’t know how much longer he had left. I cared because I cared about all life. It didn’t mean I wanted him for my own or had any delusions of why we were so drawn to one another.
After the last week of chained captivity and wallowing in my anger, I could never go back to that. He’d very successfully ensured that no matter how long I remained here, no matter what happened in the course of surviving together, I would never be stupid enough to fall in love. Whatever emotion I’d felt for him was no longer relevant—not because of strict pep talks in the dead of night, but because it just wasn’t possible to love something so damaged.
I could help, sure.
I could forgive, possibly.
But trust? Adore? Have faith that he was whole enough to love me back? To even understand the meaning of love?
That was where I had to draw the line.
After what he’d endured, I couldn’t blame him that pieces of himself were missing. I could understand that. I could respect that. But expecting a miracle where he suddenly grew a heart and let me go and actually willingly came with me back into society where help could possibly heal him...well, I no longer believed in fairy tales.
I’m too tired...
Tearing my eyes off Kas as he vanished into the large concrete box, ducking down to fiddle with whatever machinery made electricity from water, I chose a different story. I would not run today, but I would not help him either.
He’d hurt me.
And frankly, right now, I had nothing to give him.
Today, you’re on your own, Kassen Sands.
I was justified to rest...just a little while.
Exhaling heavily, wincing at the pain in my throat, I lay down on my back. I flinched for the numerous time at not having underwear on. My exercise bra seemed superfluous without panties protecting me. Since that first day Kas snapped the chain on me, I’d had to cut off my panties and couldn’t figure out how to get a new pair on that didn’t involve undoing the padlock.