“Did you?” Maddox whispered, scarcely daring to hope.
Ben shook his head. “Not hardly. But the sex made a mess of things because I still wasn’t letting myself see the hopelessly-in-love part. I said that we should try dating, but I couched it all in terms of what I could do for you. Not what it could do for me.”
“I never wanted the dating to be all about me.” Maddox moved to sit awkwardly in front of Ben, leg protesting the position. “Never. You were trying so hard to be the perfect boyfriend, but all I ever needed was just you. Exactly as you were.”
“Eh. I wasn’t all that—”
“You were.” Maddox wasn’t letting him get away with thinking this way. “You were enough. More than enough. But I needed you to see that too. It’s hard to be the only one in this friendship trusting.”
“Thought you didn’t want to be friends anymore.” Ben sidestepped the issue of believing in himself, which made Maddox sigh.
“Didn’t say that. I don’t know how to untangle the friendship from my feelings for you. I don’t know if I’ve got it in me to be your friend, to watch you move on—”
“Never moving on,” Ben growled, leaning forward. Maddox could see the kiss coming, but his mission-honed reflexes and leery heart had him dodging it.
“No.” He held up a hand. “You can’t solve this by kissing me stupid.”
“You’re still mad.” Ben’s voice was so sad and resigned that Maddox could feel himself relenting, even as he tried to stand firm. Ben’s fingers feathered over Maddox’s fading scars. “When you almost died, part of me did too. And I swore that I’d give you whatever you needed if only you wouldn’t leave me. But now I’ve made a fucking mess of everything. I’m so sorry—”
“You should be.” Maddox still wasn’t letting him off the hook too easily. He was still angry and hurt damn it, and those feelings weren’t going away. “You walked away from something good, and I still don’t understand why.”
“I was scared,” Ben whispered. “See...I’ve got this secret. No one knows. Everyone thinks I’m this badass, out there kicking butt in the field. But it’s always been because I knew you had my back. From BUD/S on. I’m able to do what I do because of you. I don’t know how to be a SEAL without you. And I’m trying now, and it’s hard.”
“I’m sorry,” Maddox said and meant it. “I’m sorry that I couldn’t stay in. Sorry that I need something different. But Ben, you’re the strongest man I know. You can do this. And I’ll always, always have your back. I don’t have to be out there to do that.”
“I know that. But it was easier to trust when I knew you were...obligated to show up. Which is awful, I know. But how could I trust you weren’t going to leave me? What would hold us together if not the Navy?” Ben’s voice broke, and Maddox’s chest clenched.
“This.” It was Maddox’s turn to reach out, squeezing Ben’s hand. He wasn’t all the way to forgiveness yet, but his heart was breaking for Ben’s obvious pain. “Love.”
Ben made a pained face. “Love doesn’t keep people together. I wish it did, but it doesn’t. Someday you’ll move on. Someday I won’t be enough—”
“You will always be enough.” Maddox had to work to keep his voice patient. Ben’s lack of trust in himself, in Maddox, in who they were together was maddening. And yet, he was powerless to not love this man, to not want to reassure him. “And I know it’s hard to trust. I’m struggling with that too. But maybe it’s a leap of faith we have to make together. Like a jump. We’ve got to trust that the landing’s not going to kill us.”
“You? You have a hard time trusting?” Ben’s tone was full of disbelief, then he sighed. “Oh right. The monogamy thing. You don’t trust me to not cheat—”
“It’s not that.” Maddox dropped Ben’s hand and kept his voice firm to put an end to that nonsense. “It’s more that it’s hard for me to believe that I could really get everything I’ve wanted for so long. Hard to believe that you won’t be the one to get tired of playing house and move on.”
“You deserve it all,” Ben said firmly.
“And so do you. You deserve what would make you happy, not to spend a lifetime trying to make me happy, but to really get your own happiness too. And I’m sorry that I can’t give you all of that, that I can’t be in the field with you. If that’s what you really need, maybe I’m not the guy for you.” It killed Maddox to say that, made his chest feel ripped open, heart exposed to the chilly night air.