Brandt opened his mouth like he was about to argue that point, then glanced at Shane before nodding. “Understood.”
“Sorry,” Shane said as Hartman and Reid moved on. “I didn’t mean to freak out on you.”
“You had decent cause.” Brandt exhaled hard, like all his adrenaline was whooshing out at once, shoulders sinking and jaw drooping. “I’m sorry I scared you.”
“It’s okay,” Shane said even though it wasn’t. He glanced over at Cameron. It wasn’t fair, the worry and stress inherent in trying to make a family out of these risks. But he also was in zero position to tell Brandt to not do his job. “You’re fine now, right?”
His own adrenaline drop made his hands shaky as he patted the baby, who had finally woken up and was starting to make unhappy noises.
“I’ll be okay.” Brandt’s tone was weary and it wasn’t the same as an emphatic yes at all. And even as tired as he looked, Brandt was still reaching for Jewel, releasing her from the sling before Shane could stop him. “Here, let me take her while we watch the demo.”
“She slept right through all the commotion.” Shane decided not to protest Brandt taking Jewel because she immediately calmed and surprisingly, so did Brandt, face softening, tension lessening in his posture.
“Good. Glad she missed it.” Brandt’s tone was surprisingly emphatic, but his expression was unreadable, eyes murky and not meeting Shane’s. He kept holding the baby, even after transferring his helmet to Shane and accepting one of her bottles from the diaper bag. They followed the crowd to a climbing demonstration over at one of the outdoor training areas near a hangar. Brandt managed to look both tough and tender as he gave Jewel her bottle, big hand dwarfing the bottle and little pink blanket protecting her from the worst of his dust.
Shane’s heart was in serious danger of not surviving this outing. Between watching the smoke jumpers demonstrate climbing maneuvers, he snuck a picture of Brandt and Jewel for later, both for them and also for himself, to remember the exact moment his heart escaped his chest, fragile and new. And inevitable, like they’d been building to this moment the last few weeks.
“Brandt?” The question escaped his lips before he could think better of it, but the need to say something kept poking at him.
“Yeah?” Brandt’s attention was already split between the baby and the demonstration, and he didn’t glance over at Shane.
“Nothing. Just that I truly am happy that reserve chute worked. And that you didn’t get injured. Can’t believe how relieved I am.”
That got a sly smile from Brandt as he whispered back, “Because you have plans for me for later?”
Figured that Brandt would make this about sex. And Shane wished it were that simple, but there was nothing straightforward about all the feelings churning through him.
“That too.” He kept his voice light. No point in giving away too much. “But also, the world needs you. Jewel needs you.”
Shane needed him too, but there was a limit to what he could admit right then. Still, he wanted Brandt to know that his safety mattered.
“Thanks.” Brandt’s neck flushed and his gaze darted back to the baby.
“Now how about you explain to me what we’re watching?” They’d probably both had all the emotional talk they could handle that day. His phone buzzed again with a message in his pocket, but he was too wrapped up in Brandt’s narration of the demo, which had now moved on to some chainsaw action to care about his messages right then.
Brandt’s eagerness sharing details was almost comical, and Shane had to laugh. “Five minutes of downtime and you’re already missing being over there, aren’t you?”
“I don’t do well with time off.” Brandt shrugged as he transferred the now-drowsy baby back to her sling and Shane. “And yeah, I like the job. Love it. It’s hard to explain. But it’s been there for me, a lot of years and a lot of times when nothing else was.”
“I feel that way about music,” Shane admitted. And in that moment, he understood why Cameron couldn’t demand that Rich find a safer career. This life was a part of Brandt, woven into the fabric of who he was and what he stood for. And to care for him was to accept that, hard as it was. When it came right down to it, Shane wasn’t sure how anyone could be strong enough to do this long-term.
Long-term. The word made the back of his neck chilly, equal parts longing and fear. Even with Brandt safe and sound and right by his side, the world had shifted. There was no shoving his feelings back, but hell if he knew what to do now.
Buzz. His pocket vibrated again. Oh yeah. His messages. He made a mental note to deal with his phone as soon as he got home and got Jewel settled. Whatever it was could wait while he tried to find his footing on this new terrain.