“What do you mean?”
I shook my head, frustrated that I’d said more than I’d wanted. “How about a walk instead?” I slipped from his lap and stood.
He stared up at me. “You asked me what I wanted to know.”
“Yes. But I might choose not to answer—even if you want to know.” I began to chew on the inside of my lip.
“It’s part of a conversation, you know, the exchanging of information.” He cocked an eyebrow then continued. “You said you weren’t very good at them, conversations. Consider this practice.” He patted the sand beside him.
I narrowed my eyes at him then sat again. Why am I smiling like an idiot?
“Okay. Practice, huh?” My voice was soft, the words rushing out. “I put them first. I put their wants and needs before everything and everyone else.” I spoke softly, the intense guilt pressing in on me.
He looked confused. “Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do as a mum?”
“I think that’s what people are led to believe, and it’s hard not to, but…I know now that I made things happen because I didn’t pay as much attention to the family, as a unit, and my husband…as a man.” My stomach churned, the way it always did when thoughts of Daniel popped up.
“Made what things happen?”
I blew out my breath, wrinkling my nose. “Look, I know I threw out the whole what do you want to know thing, but this is getting a little heavy. I haven’t thought through a lot of this on my own, yet.”
“So far I’m keeping up. It might be cathartic, to share with a neutral third party. What things?” he repeated, his eyes sliding over my face.
“I might have been supermom, but I was a rotten wife. Daniel, my ex-husband, got lonely. Things got terribly off-track.” I spoke the words with as little inflection as possible, hoping to wrap this whole practice conversation up soon.
“Is that a nice way of saying he started shagging someone else?” His other hand went through his hair, leaving it standing on end. He asked, “Because you were a better mum than wife? Did he say that? Is that what you think?”
I sighed, shrugging and waving my hands in frustration. “I wasn’t there for him, Josh. Long before he turned to her, I’d let him down.” It was the first time I’d actually admitted that to myself, let alone to anyone else.
He was watching me. “Did his affair make things better?” He spoke softly. “God. I’m sorry. That was unkind.”
“Let’s just say no one was innocent in the end. The process of ending a marriage is slow, and I worry so much about what’s the right thing for the kids. I’ve stayed put partly for stability’s sake—and partly because I’m not sure where we’d go.” Again, the words that came out were probably always there, but it was the first time I’d let them out.
“Where does that leave you, then?”
“That’s what I was considering when you joined me.” I shrugged. “Totally adrift.”
“I see the need for your compass now.” His voice was teasing, but his eyes were intense.
I smiled at him. “Maybe I should get one.”
“What are your options?” He paused. “Wait, start with this. What do you want?”
“No idea.” And that was true. I pulled my legs up and rested my chin on my knees, regarding him from the corner of my eye before turning my attention to the blue ocean before us. “There are things I love to do—writing and painting. But I’m realistic enough to know that it would be next to impossible to find a way to support us t
hrough either avenue.”
“Realism is overrated, Claire. Don’t dismiss your dreams. That is the worst possible thing imaginable.” He was thoughtful for a minute. “You’re an artist?”
“I don’t know if I’d go that far. I’ve done some murals, taught art at the Community Center…”
“I’d like to see your work sometime. Passionate people can be exceptionally gifted.” His eyes fell to my lips as he spoke, making me swallow.
I took a deep breath before I spoke again. “Is all of my self-analysis going to make you late to something else?” I wasn’t going to talk about this anymore.
Josh smiled widely, his eyes crinkling. “That wasn’t a very subtle change of subject, you know.”
“That will be my next conversation lesson: using tact to change the topic of discussion.”