“HAVE YOU EVER WANTED SOMETHING, Sasha, something you couldn’t shake, no matter how fucking hard you tried?” Her soft, vanilla scent, the impression her hands leave on me for days, her ridiculous clothes, her husky laugh that lights up my body. “Then you get a taste of it . . .” And it gives you fucking chills. “And you forget why you didn’t want it in the first place?”
Sasha opened her mouth, closed it. “You want something you can’t have.” The words poured from her lips in thought and disbelief, like she didn’t believe I couldn’t have whatever I wanted.
Her and me both.
I rolled the agitation off my shoulders. “I wanted something I could have.”
“Interesting use of past tense. Maybe you don’t want it because you’ve always known you could never obtain it.”
I let out a sardonic breath, hating that Sasha was fucking right.
I’d always set Gianna on an unreachable shelf, and not even because she was newly married to Antonio and oblivious to me when I first met her, but because there was something genuine and astute about her. She’d see me for what I was really was. Dirty. Stained. She’d see everything I’d tried to obliterate about my childhood. And I fought hard to escape my past. I refused to be dragged back.
I should be relieved she was out of reach once again, but, with the recent memory of her lying on my bed, finally staring up at me with sweet, submissive eyes, I didn’t feel any form of respite. It felt like something had been fucking stolen from me.
“So, you got a taste for it . . . and I’m assuming you realized it was unobtainable once again while in the computer lab last week?”
I ran a thumb across my jaw.
My business overseas had taken longer than I thought, but one month shouldn’t be long enough to come home and find Gianna fucking married. Hearing the news, nonchalantly, from Ace on the phone had felt like a blow to the stomach. It stole my fucking breath, turned my blood to fire. I’d lost it. I’d destroyed every goddamn computer in that room.
I’d known, if I touched Gianna, it would be over for me. I’d known she would feel too good to ever go back. But, Jesus, I wasn’t a saint. She was half-naked, her tits in my face, and I’d dreamed about them for so long I had to know what they tasted like. They tasted like they belonged to me; like they were mine.
And now, after that realization, she was another man’s. I c
ould eliminate that problem within the hour. My hands sometimes shook with the fucking urge. But she wasn’t in this like I was. She hadn’t called me when she was in trouble. I bet I hadn’t even crossed her mind. She’d been under my skin for years, I knew more about her than I ever should, and I wasn’t even on her radar.
I suddenly wished I was in Moscow at that moment—to kill my fucking brother. Or better yet, never leave Gianna naked in my bed to go save his ass from the Chechens who’d managed to keep him hostage for the last month. But I knew I could never turn my back on Ronan. He was the only one who understood what made me. He should—he had the same bitch of a mother.
Sasha watched me and cocked her head. “The men you spoke of during our last session, are they still a part of your life?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
Because I killed them.
“Your grandparents still in your life, Sasha?”
“No, they’re dead.”
I let her words fill the silence.
She swallowed. “I hear you’ve put a request in to transfer to Seattle. That’s quite the move.”
I could only hope an entire country would be enough.
“In fact, I received an email this morning from our director, who has already approved the transfer on the understanding that I’ve cleared you, of course.”
How passive aggressive.
The Bureau needed me more than I’d ever needed it. Not many could stomach their kill lists and preferred forms of interrogating—not to mention, cleaning up after some sadistic politicians. I could have any job in any outfit I wanted, but the FBI had the structure and front I’d always needed. And to think I could have lost it because of a fucking woman . . .
“I think we both know you are cleared for work. To be honest, I’m not sure why they made you go through this charade.”
“Are you disappointed?”
She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, something light and breathless in her eyes. “No. I’ve wanted to get into your head for a long time.”