My eyes fixed on the ocean, same color as his beautiful eyes, as I tried to think of how to say it. “I needed to think. I was overwhelmed. Sinking. Drowning.”
He nodded automatically, but after a second, began shaking his head instead. “So you were drowning. You didn’t even give me a chance to throw you a lifejacket.”
I flashed him a grin and tucked my damp hair behind my ears. “I never wanted to have a kid, first of all. I’ve always taken serious precautions to make sure that never happened. When I got pregnant anyway, I felt like it was a failure on my part. And then there was you.”
His eyes searched my face, trying to understand.
“I had only just figured out how I felt about you—and I think we both know it wasn’t the most organic of relationship beginnings…but I had no idea how you really felt about me. We’d only been together three months, and already you were talking about keeping our wedding date open—the rest of the world thought we were already planning this lavish ceremony, and…and then I found out I was pregnant. After only three months,” I stressed again. “I just…I had to get away from you, and Los Angeles, and the paparazzi, and everything else down there and just figure out how I felt.”
He’d listened to the whole explanation patiently, nodding occasionally to show that he understood. It was only when he knew for sure that I’d finished that he dared to tug me a little closer. “And…you decided that you love me?”
I bit my lip, but a smile still broke through. “Yes. Marcus, I love you. I love you so damn much.”
“I love you too.”
He swept me up in a kiss so passionate and so romantic, just like out of a romance novel. His fingers knotted in my hair as he lifted me off the ground and spun me around.
“You have no idea what I’d been thinking, these last few days,” he whispered against my lips. I was back on the ground but his head was bent to meet mine. “The second you left, I panicked. I thought there was a chance you were never coming back, so the first thing I did was head to the airport to follow you. When I touched down in Washington—”
“Wait, you’ve been here this whole time?” I asked in surprise.
“I took the jet, so I actually got here before you did. Anyway, after I landed, I started pacing the exits of the terminal, waiting for whatever flight you were on to land and watching for you through the crowds. As I was waiting, I called Amanda. I figured if anyone knew where your head was at, it would be her.”
He’d talked to Amanda? She’d never mentioned that in any of our Skypes!
“She was furious with me for coming after you. Said that I needed to, ‘Stop acting like an entitled little prick and back the fuck off when Rebecca asked me to.’”
Yeah…that sounded like Amanda.
I traced the toe of my boot nervously through the pebbles. “I’m sorry about that. She can be a little protective.”
“She was absolutely right. I can’t imagine how panicked you must have
felt, and sick and alone. Of course, you wanted to take a step back and re-evaluate. I shouldn’t have pushed.” He shook his head with a sigh. “I actually spotted you in the crowd—heading toward the rentals, wearing some Washington State sweatshirt I’d never seen you in before. I let you go. Asked Amanda for your mom’s address and booked a hotel nearby. I wasn’t even going to tell you I was here,” he chuckled to himself. “I just wanted to be…close, I guess. But this afternoon I was pacing in the hotel lobby and I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to see you. Fortunately, I got a text from Amanda around the same time.” He held out his phone with a smile.
‘All right, dumbass, it’s been a few days. You better be on your way to see her already…’
I shook my head with a little groan. “I didn’t even know emoticons could do that…”
“Neither did I,” he said seriously. “Anyway, here we are.”
I bit my lip and stared out at the crashing surf. “Here we are.”
We stood there for a long time in silence, thinking, occasionally hugging, and staring out toward the stormy horizon. After a while, he took off his jacket and placed it neatly on the pebbles, gesturing for me to sit.
“Come on,” I hesitated, “now you have to be freezing.”
“I’m not.” He scoffed, taking a seat beside me.
I leaned into him as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders. But reconciled as we may have been with each other, I had no idea what came next. The fact remained, no matter what we were to each other, no matter what we decided to do, we were going to have a baby. And while I couldn’t speak for Marcus, that was something I was absolutely not ready for.
“I have no idea if I’ll make a good dad,” he said suddenly, staring out toward the sea.
I turned to him in surprise. Self-doubt didn’t come naturally to him, and especially with something as big as this, I would have thought he’d have it in the bag.
“Why do you say that?” I asked curiously.
“I just…I don’t know, I never pictured myself with kids.” He glanced at me quickly. “I’m not saying I’m not happy and excited and everything. I totally am, I just hope I can be a good father.”