“Well, Jack, it’s my livelihood, along with a lot of other people who are friends of mine. It’s not like I’m going to say, sure go ahead and shut it down. If you don’t want to screw with it, can’t you just hire someone to run the place for you? I mean, I can find another job. I’m sure we all could in time, but—I don’t want you to shut it down. Please don’t. I’m begging you.”
“Not to be arrogant, but you don’t need a job anymore.”
“Yeah, I do.”
“I have enough money for us both. For us and about twenty-five other people to tell the truth. Not to mention the recording contract and the software design.”
“That’s you, Jack. Not me. I mean, good for you. I don’t resent the fact that you have a lot of money. I just don’t intend for you to support me.”
“Good. Because I intend for you to support me. Exactly the way you’ve been doing since my dad got sick. I couldn’t have made it through any of this without you. You’ve devoted all this time and energy to me and that’s worth a lot. That makes my life possible, and that makes you a useful agent of the corporation who can draw a salary.”
“Wait, did you just offer to put me on the payroll for...bringing you tacos and fucking you? Because I’m sure you didn’t intend to be as insulting as it seems like.”
“I’m not trying to insult you. I’m suggesting that you can be transferred to an executive consulting position with the company. Your livelihood, as you call it, isn’t in jeopardy. The fact is, you can easily–”
“Get paid as your consort? Your mistress? Whatever you choose to call it. No thanks.”
“I mean so you can have your own money and your independence without being tied up with a work schedule that could get in the way of things we want to do together.”
“You want to sign me up for direct deposit for as long as I’m your girlfriend. This is unreal, Jack. I’m going to attribute this gaffe to stress.”
“I’m not trying to solicit you, Britt. I want to express how much I value who you are and how you help me every single day.”
“Then say you love me and leave money out of it.”
“I can’t. Money is a major complication. We both know it. And for every convenience like the private jet, there are problems. Like what to do with the consulting firm.”
“Hire someone to run it. Leave us there. Let us prove that we can turn a profit.”
“I’m selfish. I want all of your time. I don’t want to share you with work.”
“You’ll have to, Jack. But you can be there with me if you want. I’m sure you could do your graphic design remotely from there. We have all the software thanks to you.”
“I suppose since I own it I can annex an office space if I need it for my freelance work.”
“Do you own the whole building?”
“Yes.”
“Then can you put in one of those Jimmy Buffett margarita blenders in the break room? Please? Please?”
“That would not be productive. I will, however, get you one.”
“You’re going to have to get me a margarita blender and probably rub my feet to make up for offering to pay me to be your girlfriend. That was fucked up.”
“It sounded better in my head, really. I mean, it was the idea of paying for your time, because your time is valuable to me, but I get how it came across as...whorish. I’m sorry about that. I swear I’m not my brother.”
“I know you’re not. And I get what you’re saying. It’s great. I mean what woman doesn’t want to give up her career and go on the payroll as a mistress so that when her boyfriend breaks up with her she’s not only single, she’s also unemployed. I mean I’m guessing there’s retirement plan but it still sucks as ideas go.”
“Look, I’ve been going through a lot. Apparently my sensitivity chip is malfunctioning. I guess what I was trying to say is this. What if you shared my money? Then I wouldn’t be paying you. What if my money was yours too? And we were equal partners?”
“Are you talking about getting married someday?”
“Hypothetically.”
“I’d still want to work as a bookkeeper.”
“Do you seriously want to be tied to a desk all day with a neighbor in the next cubicle who types way too loud? I mean, I’d like to think traveling around with me is a little more appealing than spreadsheets day in and day out.”