That would’ve destroyed what we had between us, and I couldn’t allow that. Now that I had her, I didn’t want to lose her. I couldn’t. So I’d do whatever I must to keep the illusion of legitimacy around what I did and who I was.
Kelly loved that version of me, so I’d just continue to be that for her. In fact, I started to wish that guy was who I actually was. Some benign restaurant owner, successful but completely honorable in all my transactions. An upright member of society. Benevolent, even.
Shortly after Antonio had been born, Luca had done this strange thing of donating a bunch of Varasso funds to good works around the city. At first, I’d thought he was losing his mind, but after I saw how many people it helped, I started to understand.
Helping others felt great. And it made a difference in how Luca comported himself. He took pride in giving that money, in giving over what was essentially ill-gotten gains for such a pure purpose. It was money laundering in an entirely novel way, and I grew to appreciate it, too. It made me feel less evil. It made being a member of the Varasso family more palatable.
It made me feel more worthy of Kelly, too, like we were on more equal footing. Even though we weren’t. If she ever discovered the truth, everything would be over between us, so I simply wouldn’t let that happen.
Ever.
I’d heard of some families that worked like that. They kept their business life utterly separate from their home life. They’d have wives and children and all sorts of normalcy in one area of their lives, then they’d go out in the middle of the night to do a hit without their loved ones being any the wiser.
I wondered if something like that would work for me.
But it didn’t think so. Because we all lived at the Varasso mansion together, our business lives and personal lives were hopelessly entwined. It was the way the old man had wanted it, and Luca had kept it that way. But for Luca it worked. While Molly might not be involved in the grislier and more violent aspects of the business, she was still an integral part.
My eldest brother had a wife who knew the truth about everything and accepted that life as her own. Queenie was tough as nails. She’d would do whatever it took to make everything work together while keeping her home and babies safe and secure.
I was glad they’d found that with each other, but such a setup wouldn’t ever apply to me. Kelly would never be capable of accepting such a thing. It wasn’t in her DNA.
Which was why I’d never taken Kelly home. I might be able to get away with a brief visit, but if she spent any significant amount of time there, I had no doubt that the secret of who the Varassos really were would come to light. So I began to be there only when I had to be.
The situation made me yearn to be somebody else, anybody but a Varasso. Being a member of the mob was the only life I knew, but it was keeping me from being free and open with the woman I loved. I hated not being honest with her, but I couldn’t be. My choices were lie and keep her or be truthful and lose her. It made for an exceedingly clear-cut decision.
Living without Kelly Carr in my life was no longer an option.
19
Kelly
I left Marco’s Audi with a gigantic grin on my face. These past two weeks had been the best of my life, and it was all because of him. He’d become everything to me: the man of my dreams, my lover, and my boss. He’d changed my life for the better in every way conceivable. And best of all, he loved me.
Marco Varasso loved me!
I’d never been happier.
Before meeting him, I’d felt lonely sometimes and like I was missing out on something important, though I hadn’t wanted to admit it. My friends had been right about me, I’d been living a half-life.
My existence had been all about struggle and acrimony and toil. I’d enjoyed few gleeful moments and next to no contentment or satisfaction. Then Marco had come into my workplace and altered my perceptions on reality.
He gave me so much on a daily basis, far more than I could ever give him.
Finally, I was more than Brian and Amy Carr’s daughter, more than David’s little sister, more than just a server. I was a manager, a full-fledged adult, and a woman in love. I had things to look forward to now, significant things. I wanted to laugh out loud at the total fulfillment of it.
Even my homelife was better. The extra money I made had enabled me to not only keep the bills paid, it meant my parents were finding fewer and fewer reasons to snipe at each other. I’d been wary about divulging my increase in pay, fearful they might want to be in control of more of my money, but instead they’d surprised me.
My mom and dad had congratulated me about the promotion and thanked me for pitching in to help. They’d even started to be nice to one another on occasion, an event I hadn’t witnessed in… well, ever.
If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I might not have believed it.
And things were so amazing at work, too.
Business stayed steady, and now that Marco and I were in a relationship together, those hours became about sneaking kisses and flirting whenever we could. My days used to be about worrying about money and finding some way to work extra shifts to get more of it. But all that was over now. Time spent both working and at the suite flashed by.
I couldn’t stop smiling even if I tried.
My friends had noticed, of course.