“Of course I am.”
“I, uh, I lied.” He coughed again, harder this time, and she waited, smoothed her hand over his shoulder until he finished.
“You lied about what?”
“I told you I was always careful. I guess I wasn’t this time. Got taken out by a beam.” He was trying to make light of it, but she saw the seriousness in his expression, the grim line of his mouth.
What happened had scared him, too.
“You didn’t know, Christian.” She let her hand drop away from his shoulder, wondered if it would be the last time she touched him.
God. She couldn’t believe she just thought that. But the protective shield was coming up, like a dome of glass slowly sliding over her, cocooning her from anything and everything that would hurt.
“I screwed up. I wasn’t paying attention; I was tired, distracted.”
Tired and distracted by her, she bet. They’d stayed up most of last night making love. He’d been exhausted. Yet another reason she needed to stay away from him. She contributed to putting his life at risk.
“Christian.” She sighed, the sound of it sad even to her own ears. “This is crazy.”
“I’m fine, though. Or I will be. I’ll be off duty for a little while, since I’ll need to recover. But hey, this guarantees I’ll be off for Christmas, right?” He chuckled and then groaned, his good hand reaching across his stomach. “Forgot about the ribs.”
“I can’t do this,” she whispered.
“You can’t do what?” His eyes opened wider, confusion dawning over his handsome features.
“The hospital. And seeing you like this.” She waved a hand toward the bed. “All of it. I can’t do it.”
“Baby, why don’t you go home, come visit me tomorrow at my place. I’ll be out of here by then.” He smiled, the sight of it cracking her heart in two. “I know you don’t like hospitals. I can’t blame you for that.”
“I don’t like the fact that you put your life in danger every day,” she admitted, feeling like a soulless, heartless woman for even thinking what she was about to say. “I don’t know if this is something I can deal with. I’ve already lost once.”
She didn’t want to lose again, especially Christian. She loved him so much. She’d much rather walk away than watch him die.
“Jane.” His voice grew firm. “Do you know how rare this accident is? I swear it. I know guys who’ve worked for CAL Fire for more than thirty years who haven’t even suffered a scratch on the job.”
“But what if it happens again?” Her voice had turned shrill, panicked, and she shook her head.
“You can’t live your life based on what ifs.” His gaze pinned her where she stood, hardening with every quiet second that passed. “So you’re saying you’d rather walk away.”
“I’m a burn victim in love with a firefighter. Do you not see the irony here, Christian?” She laughed but it sounded fake, a little crazed. “It would probably never work in the long run.”
“You’re not willing to give it a try, even though you love me.”
“I’m not ready for this.” She paused and spoke the truth. “I’m too scared.”
“I’m scared, too,” he whispered, and she could tell the admission surprised him. But he continued on. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I don’t know what happens next, but I’m willing to give it a try. Aren’t you?”
“I don’t know.” She shook her head again. She felt as if she couldn’t stop shaking her head. “I don’t know.”
“What we have is real.” His low, husky voice reached for her heart, twisted it with his words, and left it a quivering, broken mess.
He was right. It was real. But it was also risky. And she wasn’t sure she could take any more risks—she’d used up all of them already.
She had children she needed to be strong for. Bringing another man into their life was good, but not a man who could disappear just like their daddy had. More than anything, she didn’t want her children to suffer like that again, ever.
Jane had to do this. She had to end it.
“I can’t do this,” she whispered again as she stepped away from the bed. “I love you, Christian, but I just…can’t.”