And knew better, Jesus, knew better, he thought as he scrubbed the tub while the birds perched and watched him. But knowing and feeling weren’t the same thing at all. He could hope that the labor burned the thirst out of him.
Then he saw her, walking across the wide gravel yard. He left everything, went out and through to meet her.
“What are you doing walking about alone?” he demanded.
“I could ask the same of you, but as I know what you’ll say to that I won’t and avoid it all. Iona and Boyle dropped me off before they went to Cong for a pint and a meal, so I haven’t been alone at all, as I’m not now.”
She glanced around. “You’re late at this, aren’t you, Connor? Where’s everyone else?”
“We finished up the last hawk walk, and I sent the lot of them on. Brian had some studying for this online class he’s taking, and Kyra had herself a hot date. And for the rest, I thought they could use an extra hour free.”
“And you wanted some time alone with your friends,” she added with a nod toward the hawks.
“There was that as well. I have to finish up here, since I’ve started it all.”
“I’ll come back with you, if that’s all right. Then you’ll give me a lift back to the cottage.”
He walked her back. The birds ruffled a bit at the visitor, gave her a long stare.
“I haven’t had time to visit much in the last months,” she commented. “The young ones don’t know me, or not well.”
“They’ll come to.” He got back down to finish the cleaning. “How’d the day all go for you then?”
“Just as it should. I took out two guideds.” She angled her head at his sharp look, pulled out the stones she wore from under her scarf. “And Iona insisted I take Alastar—and she braided fresh charms in his mane. I saw nothing but the woods and the trail. I won’t be reckless, Connor. For my own sake, yes, but also because I never want to put you or the others through what I put you through once already.”
She paused a moment. “I need the work and the horses as you need the work and the hawks.”
“You’re right. I hope he felt you. I hope he felt how strong and able you are, despite him.”
He began to fill the tub, listened to the water pour.
“You think I don’t know you’re angry,” she said quietly. “But I do know it. I’m angry as well. I’ve wanted to end him, always, because it’s needed, because of you and Branna and Fin. But now I don’t only want to end him—I want to give him pain and misery first, to know he suffers. I don’t tell Branna as she’d never approve. For her it’s only about right and wrong, light and dark—birthright and blood. And I know that’s how it should be, but I want his pain.”
From his crouch, he looked up at her. “I would give it to you, and more. I would give you his agony.”
“But we can’t.” Hunkering down beside him, she touched his arm lightly. “Because Branna’s got the right of it, and because it would change you. To seek revenge only? To seek to cause pain and suffering to pay him back for what he did to me? It would change you, Connor. I think it wouldn’t change me, but that’s the lack in me.”
“It’s not a lack at all.”
“It’s how I’m built, so we’ll all have to live with it. But you’re the light, and there’s reason for that. End him, it must be done. But it must be done as it should be done. And if there’s pain, it’s because it had to be, not because you willed it.”
“You’ve done some thinking on this.”
He measured out the additives, then as he always did, stirred the water with his hands over the surface, adding that light she spoke of, for the health and well-being of his birds.
“God, yes, and far too much on it. And in thinking far too much on it, I came to understand you needed to know I felt as you do, but it isn’t what I want from you, or for myself. I want what we are, the six of us. I want us to be right. And when we end him, and it’s done, for us to know we were right. I want no shadows over us, no shadows over you. That’s revenge enough for me.”
“I love you, Meara. I love that you’d understand this, come clear to it, and tell me. I’ve been torn, in a way I’ve never been.”
“Don’t be. Know I’m telling you what’s in my heart. I want us to be right.”
“Then we will be.”
Satisfied, relieved, she nodded. “And it’s time to talk of it all again. I know you’ve all let it go the last few days.”
“You weren’t up to it.”
“I’m more than up to it now.” She pushed up, flexed her biceps to make him smile. “So we’ll talk again, the six of us.”