Mary decided to wait to see if things changed. She lived those weeks with a knot in her stomach, and Graham stayed by her side throughout it all. He showed up at her house with food, forcing her to eat, and forcing her to sleep when all she wanted to do was stay in the waiting room at the hospital.
Waiting for a change.
Waiting for a miracle.
Waiting for her husband to come back to her.
Karla called me when it came time to make the toughest decision of her family’s life. When we arrived at the hospital, the light in the hallway flickered repeatedly, as if it were going to die any moment.
The chaplain walked into the room and we all stood around Ollie, our hands joined together as we prepared for our final goodbyes. I wasn’t certain how anyone would come back from a loss like this. I’d only known Ollie for such a short period of time, but I knew he’d already changed my life for the better.
His heart was one that was always filled with love, and he’d be missed forever.
After the chaplain’s prayer, he asked if anyone had any final words to say. Mary couldn’t speak as the tears flowed down her cheeks. Karla’s face was wrapped in Susie’s shoulder, and my lips refused to move.
Graham held us all up. He became our strength. As words flowed from his soul, I felt the squeezing of my heart. “Air above me, earth below me, fire within me, water surround me, spirit becomes me.”
In that moment, we all began to crumble into the realm of nothingness.
In that moment, a part of each of us left with Ollie’s soul.
Everyone was gone. Mary, Karla, and Susie had left to deal with the next steps, and I knew I should’ve gone with them, but I couldn’t force myself to move. I stood still in the hospital hallway with the flickering light. His room had been emptied, and there wasn’t anything else that could be done. He was gone. My professor. My hero. My best friend. My father.
Gone.
I hadn’t cried. I hadn’t processed it at all.
How was it possible for this to be the outcome? How could he fade so fast? How could he be gone?
Footsteps were walking in my direction, nurses moving on to their next patients, doctors checking in on those who still had a pulse, as if the world hadn’t just stopped spinning.
“Graham.”
Her voice was deep, drenched in pain and sorrow. I didn’t look up to see her; my head wouldn’t turn away from the room where I had just said my final goodbye.
“He was right,” I whispered, my voice shaky. “He thought if I knew about his heart, if I knew he was about to die at any moment, I would’ve run. I would’ve been selfish, and I would’ve left him, because I would’ve closed myself off. I wouldn’t have been able to mentally deal with him dying. I would’ve been a coward.”
“You were here,” she said. “You were always here. There was nothing cowardly about you, Graham.”
“I could’ve talked him into the surgery, though,” I argued. “I could’ve convinced him to fight.”
I stopped speaking. For a moment, it felt as if I were floating, as if I were in the world, but no longer a part of it, floating high in disbelief, denial, guilt.
Lucy parted her lips as if she were going to offer some kind of comfort, but then no words came out. I was certain there weren’t any words that could make this better.
We stayed still, staring at the room as the world kept moving on around us.
My body started to tremble. My hands shook uncontrollably at my sides as my heart c
aved into my chest. He’s gone. He’s really gone.
Lucy lowered her voice and whispered, “If you need to fall, fall into me.”
Within seconds, gravity found me. Every sense of floating was gone, every sense of strength no longer mine. I began to descend, faster and faster, crashing down, waiting for the impact to hit, but she was there.
She was right beside me.
She caught me before I hit the ground.