Looking for sex. I am a big dick.
“I think you meant I have a big dick,” I remarked.
She wickedly replied, “No, I meant what I wrote.”
I groaned and went to grab my phone.
“Okay, okay, I’ll try again!”
Looking for casual sex, no strings attached.
Unless you’re into being tied up.
Looking at you, Anastasia.
“Who’s Anastasia?” I asked.
Lucy tossed me my phone and laughed to herself. “All that matters is that the women will understand. Now all you have to do is swipe right if you find them attractive, left if you think they’re not. Then, just wait for the magic to happen.”
“Thank you for your help.”
“Well, you gave me a garden, so the least I can do is get you laid. I’m going to order the pizza now. I’m exhausted after all of that.”
“Only cheese on my half! Oh, Lucille?”
“Yes?”
“What’s Snapchat?”
She narrowed her eyes and shook her head twice. “Nope, not even touching that one. Only one social media adventure a night. We’ll save the snapping for another day.”
Graham’s first Tinder date was on Saturday, and before he left, I forced him to change out of his suit and tie and into a plain white T-shirt and dark jeans.
“It feels too casual,” he complained.
“Um, it’s not like your clothes are going to stay on anyway. Now go. Go on and spread some legs, do some pelvic thrusts, and then come back home and write about horror stories and monsters.”
He left at eight-thirty that night.
By nine, he’d returned.
I arched an eyebrow. “Um, not to sound totally disrespectful to your manhood and all but…that was legit the fastest round of sex in the history of sex.”
“I didn’t sleep with her,” Graham replied, dropping his keys on the table in the foyer.
“What? Why?”
“She turned out to be a liar.”
“Oh no!” I frowned, feeling my chest tighten for him. “Married? Kids? Three hundred pounds bigger than her picture? Did she have a penis? Was her name George?”
“No,” he said harshly, plopping down on the living room couch.
“Then what was it?”
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“Her hair.”