I started running with no shoes, with no thought, and with no direction.
Zeus began to run behind me. “Go home, Zeus!” I shouted toward the dog, who was just as soaking wet as I was. “Go away!” I hollered, wanting to be left alone. I ran faster, but he kept up. I pushed so much that my chest burned and breathing became a chore. I ran until my legs quit and my body fell to the ground. Lightning struck above us, painting the sky with its scars, and I began to sob uncontrollably.
I wanted to be alone, but Zeus was right there. He’d kept up with my crazed mind, he was right beside me when I hit rock bottom, and he wasn’t going to leave me. He was in my face, giving me kisses, giving me love, giving me himself to hold when I needed someone the most.
“Okay.” I sighed, tears still falling as I held him close to me. He whimpered, almost as if he too was heartbroken. “Okay,” I said again, kissing the top of his head and rubbing his side.
Okay.
I loved to run barefoot.
Running was something I was good at.
I liked when my feet ran away.
I liked when they cracked and bled from the pressure they felt hammering against the concrete streets.
I liked when I was reminded of my sins through th
e pains of my body.
I love to hurt.
But only myself. I loved to hurt myself. No one else had to be hurt by me. I stayed away from people so I wouldn’t hurt them.
I’d hurt Elizabeth, and I didn’t want to.
I’m sorry.
How could I apologize? How could I fix it? How did one kiss make me remember?
She fell down the hill, because of me. She could’ve broken bones. She could’ve cracked her head open. She could’ve died…
Dead.
Jamie.
Charlie.
I’m so sorry.
That night I ran more. I ran through the woods. Fast. Faster. Hard. Harder.
Go, Tris. Run.
My feet bled.
My heart cried, slamming against my ribcage over and over again, rocking my mind, poisoning my thoughts as buried memories began to resurface. She could’ve died. It would’ve been my fault. I would’ve caused it.
Charlie.
Jamie.
No.
I pushed them down.
I fell into the pain racing through my chest. The pain was nice. It was welcomed. I deserved to hurt. No one else, only me.