I stare up at him, stunned. He doesn’t truly believe that, does he? I can both see and hear how much the admission weighs on him, but does he really believe that I believe it was all his fault? That Jason is dead because of him?
“What? Patton, you’re not making sense. You can’t really think I blame you. I know and Jason knows that you would have saved him if it was possible. I don’t blame you, not even for a second.”
Patton nods without making eye contact and slides past me into the hallway. “Thank you for saying that.”
I can see that he is still blaming himself even if I’m not. Damn, I’m so stupid. How could I have not put this together before now? Dr. Stevens is right... he does blame himself... or is he saying all this to let me down easy? Regardless, I can’t just let him walk away.
I follow behind him and grab on to his arm. He stops suddenly, and I hear him suck in a breath as he stands completely still. He won’t look at me – he doesn’t even turn around - but I have to try to free him from his guilt.
“Hey, I mean it, Patton. It wasn’t your fault.”
Patton’s body is stiff at my words, and I try to think of something to say that will help him to forgive himself for not being able to save Jason, but he only walks away.
PATTON
I’m angry with myself for feeling a great portion of the weight of my guilt lifted at what Cora said. I don’t deserve to feel better, not after I wasn’t able to save Jason. Worse, after seeing her up close and feeling that pull toward her like I’d felt when I’d kissed her after her graduation, I can’t stop thinking about her sweet scent, or wonder what the feel of her soft body might be like against my bare skin.
These are thoughts I don’t have the right to be thinking, but they won’t stop.
To prove to myself and to Jason that I can control myself, I take my lunch in the courtyard where I’ve observed from afar that Cora takes hers. Instead of sitting on the edge or lurking behind a hedge, I actually walk into the courtyard this time.
I see Cora spot me, but I make a point of not seeing her wave to me. I take the last seat at the table where the doctors I work with are seated. Some of them aren’t so bad to be around while a couple of them are unkind to their patients, which in my eyes makes them a bad doctor.
“You’re eating in the courtyard at last,” Dr. Perry says with a cheerful, round-cheeked grin.
“Looks like he has an in with the sexy case worker too,” Dr. Underwood says, elbowing Dr. Jones on my left with a pointed look at Cora, who is still watching me. “Maybe he’ll give you an introduction.”
I look at Dr. Jones, who I haven’t developed a fondness or dislike for as of yet. “Why would you need an introduction?”
“Why? Have you seen her?” Dr. Jones asks. “I get a yes from her and I’ll dump my fucking fiancée.”
I don’t like Dr. Jones.
“I’d divorce my wife,” Dr. Underwood laughs, elbowing Jones again.
“So you don’t have the balls to ask her out? It sounds like you’re lucky to have a woman willing to marry you. Maybe you should stick with her,” I say.
Dr. Underwood laughs, but Dr. Jones doesn’t.
“This is your first time eating in the courtyard, so I’m going to give you a pass for that assumption. You haven’t seen how many guys she’s turned down, not including dates because several of the men who asked her out tried more than once.”
“Maybe you should wait to see a sign of interest from her first,” I say, telling myself I’m not going to meddle any more in Cora’s social life.
4
Cora
“Who are you waving at?” asks Ashley, one of the nurses I’m friends with from the hospital.
“Patton, but he didn’t see me.”
“Patton?” Ashley turns in her chair to look. “Oh, the new doc? The female staff are all calling him Dr. Hottie. He’s so handsome. Do you know him?”
I feel my face growing pink as I listen to my friend admiring Patton.
I’m not jealous, I’m just… protective.
“Yeah, I do. I’ve known him for a long time, actually. He served with my brother,” I say. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help but ask, “So you’ve all taken special notice of him, huh?”
Ashley raises her right eyebrow. “Cora… you sound a little…. Oh my gosh, you like him, don’t you?”
“Ashley, come on. Keep your voice down,” I say as I glance as discreetly as possible in Patton’s direction. He has a serious expression on his handsome face, but the way his brows are furrowed, it is clear he is not in a good mood.