I went from feeling this euphoric high at his initial statement to deflated. “The other shit will never go away. Even if you didn’t play football, the other shit would be there. Look at my dad. I lost my family. You think people have never said shit to me? Called me a fag? It is what it is. That will never go away, Anson, but fuck them. We’re better than that.”
He was quiet for a moment, and I just sat there, listening to him breathe. “When I read your texts tonight, they made me feel…normal. Other guys on the team have their wives who worry about them, who want to fuck up anyone who hits them on the field. I felt like them, like I was hearing from my boyfriend, who was watching me play with worry and pride, and I just, fuck, I don’t know why it hit me so strongly. And sorry…about the boyfriend thing. I know that’s not what this is or what you want.”
Would you want it? almost fell out of my mouth, but I bit it back. Asking would only make this harder, because for the first time in my life, I thought I would be okay with that title, and he was likely telling me goodbye. “What are we doing here? Tonight, I mean. Are you telling me it’s time to walk away?”
More silence. I wasn’t sure he was even breathing. “I play in LA the Sunday before Christmas. I know I’m the one who said it would only be once, but I…I’m not ready to walk away. Will you come? To the game? And then after, maybe we can meet somewhere and—”
“Yes.” He didn’t need to finish speaking for me to know my answer. No matter what I had to rearrange in my schedule, I’d make it happen. “Yeah, I’ll be there.”
We were so fucked.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Anson
I’d played my best game of the season—two touchdowns and seven catches for one hundred fifty yards. I was fucking flying, like I could somehow run faster and farther, block harder, and there was nothing I couldn’t catch as we basically demolished Los Angeles.
I was invincible on that field. West had been at the game, watching me. I’d wanted to impress him, to show him how good I was, to make him understand that football was in my blood, and I couldn’t lose it. When I played, I was confident and sure and one of the best. He didn’t get to see me that way often because when we were together, I was always ten steps behind. When we touched, kissed, hell, even talked, I was always trying to play catch-up. He was good in those situations while I floundered, but tonight, tonight he saw me for who I was, and I fucking loved that.
Only now I was a mess. I couldn’t believe we were doing this, that I’d asked him to meet me. I still didn’t know what had come over me that night. I was just tired, so fucking tired of going without, of lying, of feeling alone. As much as I loved my family and friends, as much as I loved football, none of it made me feel less lonely. The only thing that did was West.
That was what had made me ask him, and what had me sneaking up to his room at the hotel where the team was staying. I was going to meet up with West in the same hotel as my team.
What the fuck was I thinking?
Sure, the team and Lightning staff were all on the same floor, but this would only complicate things, not that they weren’t already complicated.
“You were the man tonight,” Darren said, flopping down on his hotel bed.
“You say that like it’s something new. I’m always the best.” I waggled my eyebrows at him, and he laughed.
“You’re a’ight,” he teased back. “You know we’re going all the way this year, right? The ring is ours.”
“Fuck yeah.” I stood, and we bumped fists.
Darren frowned. “You heading out?”
“Yeah, I’m gonna go meet up with someone.”
“Your girl came here? I want to meet her. I’m curious about the woman who has broken my sister’s heart and caught your attention.”
Discomfort slithered down my spine, settling at the base. I hated this shit. Hated lying and pretending West was someone he wasn’t. “It’s not serious, and she’s not my girl.”
“That doesn’t sound like you.”
I shrugged. “You’re the one always telling me to get out there and have some fun, and now I’m doing it.”
“Check you out. Anson fucking Hawkins going out to get a piece of ass while I’m staying in. The universe is fucked tonight.” Darren laughed, and I forced myself to do the same.
For the hundredth time, I was rethinking my decision to meet West, but still, I said, “I’m out. Be back soon.”