And then what would he do?
It wasn’t as if his life had been great before he met her. It hadn’t. It had been shit, in fact. In many ways, she had saved him – so many ways.
But he didn’t like the thought that he had been saved. Seeing himself as some kind of lame duck who needed Jenna to come and sprinkle her magic dust over him to make him something worthwhile was difficult and humbling. But … well … it was a way of looking at it. It was how lots of people saw it, especially Lawrence Harville, and probably Deano Diamond too.
Without Jenna, he was nothing.
But, hang on, no he wasn’t. He was really and honestly a good artist, and now he had clients and a portfolio and all that. He believed in himself more than he had ever done before.
He was something.
He just wanted to be that something with Jenna.
But what if Mia was right and he was boring and suffocating?
The thoughts rolled round and round in his mind as his feet blistered and his legs grew stiff with exhaustion.
If Jenna would have dumped him for punching Deano Diamond, then that would mean that she still had a place in her heart for Deano.
This, the idea that had been threatening him ever since Deano’s return, made him stop in his tracks and let it sink in.
She and Deano had a history he had no part of, and he was jealous of that. He hated to think of it, especially hated to think of their young love when they were bursting with exhilaration and full of hopes for the future. He often thought of painting pictures of scenes from their early life together, just so he could have the satisfaction of painting over them. He wanted to paint over Deano, black him out, turn him into a lamp post or some other piece of scenery.
‘But that’s impossible,’ he said out loud.
This time his audience was a trio of cows, which took no notice and continued to chew the cud.
He needed to accept that Jenna had a past, as she had accepted his. She had never shown any signs of being jealous of Mia, or even interested in her.
‘It’s different for her, though,’ he said to the cows. ‘She can have anyone she likes.’
One cow looked up at him with mournful brown eyes, as if to say, ‘But she likes you.’
‘God knows why,’ he muttered in reply to the imagined remark.
The cow stared on. This time she seemed to say, ‘Take a look at yourself.’
He grinned at that.
‘I’m not bad looking, if I do say so myself. Cheers, Daisy. Incidentally, can you tell me how far it is to Bledburn?’
She couldn’t.
He laughed and walked on, mildly invigorated by the exchange.
He couldn’t answer the question about whether Jenna would dump him for hurting Deano. But he could ask her. And that’s what he’d do.
Everything out in the open, cards on the table. Then, a fresh start. Maybe they should leave Bledburn, go to London, leave all this Harville shite behind for good.
He reached the top of a ridge and exhaled with relief.
Below him was the complex of lakes, made from the old pits, and landscaped to provide a leisure and water-sports park for the people of Bledburn, who mostly couldn’t afford it.
‘My kingdom,’ he said, spreading his arms wide.
He squinted down at the huddled town, trying to find the spire of All Saints Church, from which he would be able to place Harville Hall. Yes, there it was.
‘Hold on, Jenna,’ he shouted to the birds wheeling overhead. ‘I’m coming home.’