The show continued with other acts but for me that was it, show over; game over. I stared ahead for the next 3 acts but I saw nothing. I was just in my own head. When people clapped, lights came on, and there was no more music I was numb getting to my feet. My legs felt like they were practically boneless. I couldn’t even look at Tommy right now. His hand held mine that entire time, squeezing, thumb skating back and forth. I knew his eyes were on me that whole time and strangely, they felt like a blanket; covering me, cloaking me.
We said our goodbyes and got into a taxi outside the club as the rest of them were off to have drinks back at Ben & Olive’s. Tommy declined the invite and Olive got very pouty. Thank God he declined. I’m sure they had some party in mind!
Tommy stood outside the cab while I was in it talking to the other men for a minute and then shook their hands and got in with me. He took my hand in his and kissed it and we rode in total quiet back to the hotel.
After I washed my makeup off and brushed my teeth and stepped back into the bedroom he said, “What do you need tonight, baby?” He’d taken his bowtie, jacket, and shirt off. The shirt was on the bed. I’d been standing there taking my shoes off and my earrings out. My eyes were fixed on the silver chain around his throat. His eyes were fixed on me.
The way he said it made sense. What do YOU need? Because he got what HE needed last night. At least he was trying to reciprocate. I guess.
I thought about it for a minute while he undid his pants and took them off and laid them on the chair beside the bed with his tux jacket. He straightened the waistband of his black boxer briefs.
“I’d like to be alone,” I said softly and met his eyes and I could see by the shift, the shock on his face, that it probably felt like a slap in the face to him.
He looked down at the floor for a moment, then skimmed his bottom lip with his teeth for a second, then I was sure for a second he was going to turn on his heel and give me what I wanted but instead he shook his head, “No. Not that. I won’t ever sleep somewhere away from you if I can be beside you. I don’t care if I’m mad at you, if you’re mad at me, we sleep beside one another. What can I do to make this better? I know I fucked up last night, I fucked up huge. Tell me how to fix it. Please, baby.” He took a step toward me. I took a step back. He stopped.
I closed my eyes and sighed and then let the dress fall to the floor and then sat on the bed and pulled his white dress shirt over my head, undid my bra under the shirt and pulled it out one of the armholes and tossed it on the chair with the rest of his clothes, and then I got under the blankets.
He’d stood there quietly watching me while I did all that. Then he got in beside me and pulled me close, “Baby?”
“What if you can’t fix it?” my voice was barely a whisper.
“Please don’t say that. Don’t fucking say that,” his voice was strangled-sounding. “I want to make love to you. I need to make you feel good. Tell me what I can do to make you whimper for me and put your arms around me because you want to, not because I’ve told you to. Let me show you how much I love you.”
Goosebumps rose on my skin. But I didn’t want to feel good. I didn’t want to think. I didn’t know if there was anything he could do to fix things. How could there be? I wanted to sleep and forget everything I’d seen tonight. Forget everything that had happened last night. Sleep it away, all of it.
His palm swept up from my shoulder to my face until his fingers weaved into my hair near my ear. “Tia, baby?”
I reached up and fingered his dangling necklace without touching him. He kissed the tip of my nose.
We needed to talk things out and figure this out if we were going to have a future that wasn’t just me pretending to be okay. But I wasn’t ready to talk, I was still processing. And I didn’t know if talking would do anything at all, anyway. He was in control. He made the rules. I was just a participant. Willing or not. I didn’t know if I could be okay with it. With any of it. But he was waiting for an answer.
“Just…” my voice caught.
His eyes widened fractionally as he urged me, with his expression, to continue.
“Vanilla,” I whispered, feeling totally and utterly defeated.
He kissed me slow and sweet, exploring my mouth with his tongue and letting his hands drift up and down my body, sending shivers up my spine. He started to undo the tuxedo shirt I was wearing and started to tongue a nipple and then the other one.
“Touch me, babe. Please,” he whispered against my skin. I put my hands on his back and rubbed up and down. His back was so strong. I put my hands on his shoulders. They were big and muscular. He had a lot of muscle. Enough muscle to crush me without even really trying.
My mind drifted to that couple on the stage, about how she, the tiny little woman, wielded power to control a man who could crush her even more easily than Tommy could crush me. In a physical sense, anyway. Tommy could crush me, had crushed me, in other ways just through words and actions. But the tiny blonde had looked at that big muscled man so lovingly because he gave her what she needed. She controlled him but he controlled her too, through giving her what she needed. And that big strong guy seemed like he wanted to be dominated by her, too; you could see it in his eyes. His face had gone to a state of bliss when she whipped him. It was a quid pro quo thing for them.
Tommy needed this from me, my submission to him. Sometimes he needed it rough and sometimes he gave it to me sweet. I knew I’d wanted rough that day at the farm. I knew the release it gave me that day he tied me to the headboard and took my control away so I wouldn’t have to fight anymore. I didn’t know if I could ever crave that again. And if I did crave it, did that mean I had gone over to the dark side, that I was irrevocably broken?
His mouth was on my breast, his tongue toying with my nipple. My hands continued to roam up and down his arms, his back. I thought back to us at the farm and how sweet he was after my playing that hide and seek game with him, because I was giving him what he needed. He’d seemed so happy and carefree that night. And I remembered how exciting it was to run and be caught and how insane it’d driven me when he talked dirty to me during the game. I also thought about when I wanted it to be rough and he wouldn’t be rough with me. He was a control freak. Plain and simple.
Right now he was trying to be sweet but we both knew my heart wasn’t in it. My hands rose to his hair as he continued to kiss and tongue my breasts and I felt the chain around his neck touch my skin. I sucked my lower lip in and had a thought. I needed to change the tone of this situation; I couldn’t handle this sweet business, right now. The only way I could get through this right now is if it were just a game. A game where I could get release, release from the prison I felt like my brain was in. Would it help?
I quickly bucked till he was off me enough for me to get out of the bed. He looked at me, first confused, and then his expression started to drop. I backed away from him slowly and then gave him a smile and waved my finger and tsk tsk’d at him.
“Tia?” He tilted his head at me.
“The only way you get to fuck me tonight, Tommy Ferrano, is if you can catch me.” Shock flashed on his face. I gave him a phony-looking big dazzling smile and then I bolted into the closest bathroom, the Hers bathroom, and locked the door.
My heart was racing. I could do this. I could play a game tonight. Granted, it wasn’t very creative but it seemed to distract me from the emotions whirling around in my brain, if only temporarily. If I played a game, maybe the tone would stay where I could handle it. I got moist down below with anticipation. I pushed away my “What the fuck?” thoughts.
A few seconds later I heard the doorknob jiggle and then it went silent. I stood there, heart racing, almost panting with anticipation. I waited. Then I heard a tinny scratchy sound. Was he picking the lock? I braced myself.