Parking my truck, I make my way to Holly’s grave. It’s a path I’ve walked many times in the last three years. Most of which was the first year we lost her. When I reach my destination, I stop and take a seat on the grass, crossing my legs. My hands absently pick at the grass as I let the warm summer sun beat down on me while I collect my thoughts.
“Hey, Holls. Sorry, it’s been so long since I’ve been by. Work is busy as ever, and the girls…. Damn, I wish you were here to see them. They both have your heart, and it shines through every damn day.” I smile when I think about my late wife. In all the years we were together, and even the time before that in school, I’d never seen her be mean or cruel to anyone. She just didn’t have it in her.
“They’re with your parents tonight having a sleepover. They’re thriving, and even though I know that’s what you would want for them, my heart still aches that you’re not here to see it.
“I have something to tell you.” I stop there. I don’t know how to tell her about Laken. I debate if I should at all, but Holly wasn’t just my wife. She was my best friend. “I asked a woman out on a date tonight.” I expel a heavy breath as the words pass my lips. “She’s the first since I lost you. There’s been no one else but you, and I’m lonely, Holls. And this woman, she’s everywhere. It’s like she’s being thrust into my life. And the girls, they know her. They know her, and she’s so good with them.
“I’m struggling with that, Holls. I’m not trying to replace you. I promise you I’m not. I just… I don’t know how to do this.” The heat behind my eyes begins to burn. I blink hard once, twice, three times to keep the tears at bay. “You were the love of my life.”
I give myself some time to gather my composure before starting again. “You might know her, Laken Abbott. She was younger than us in school. Her older sister Lenora too. Our moms have been taking the girls to her bookstore once a week, and they adore her, Holls. And she’s so good to them. She can tell them apart. You know what that means, right? She has to pay really close attention to be able to tell our daughters apart, and she can, Holly.
“She’s beautiful.” I whisper the words, letting the wind carry them. “It’s been three years since I lost you, and she’s the first woman in that time to make me want to put myself back out there. I’m sorry if this hurts you. I’m sorry if you feel as though I’m forgetting about you. I promise you I’m not. I’m just trying to move forward.
“In the last couple of weeks, it seems as though every person I know wants to dish out love advice. Would you believe that it was one of my guys at the station who really got to me? It was Canaan, and he told me I should want our daughters to see the way a man is supposed to love a woman. That it is okay for me to move on and teach them what a healthy relationship is like. For so long, I couldn’t get past the fact that you were no longer here with us. I didn’t want to bring a random woman into our daughters’ lives. I didn’t want them to feel as though I was replacing you.”
I suck in a deep breath, close my eyes, and tilt my head back to the sky. “I’m lonely. I miss the intimacy and the companionship. I don’t know if Laken is the one. I don’t know what tonight is going to bring, but I do know she’s the only other woman besides you who has affected me this way. I don’t know why I just told you all of that. I guess I just… I just want you to know that I love you. That I will forever and always love you. I think that I have the room, you know? For someone else. I think I’m ready.”
Climbing to my feet, I kiss the tips of my fingers and place them against her headstone. “I’ll bring the girls by to see you real soon.” With that, I turn and make my way to my truck. There are so many emotions swirling through me. I’m not sure which one I should address first.
I’m sad. This isn’t how we had our life planned. She was supposed to be here with me, helping me raise our daughters. Holly should be here watching them grow up. The tragic loss of her in our lives will forever leave a hole where she should have been.