“I’ll take the blame for that one,” Levi says, raising his hand in the air as he walks into the living room. He steps up to me and places his arm around my shoulders. “I’ve been occupying most of her free time.” He offers Mia a cheeky grin and then winks at me.
“I know,” Mia says, winking back. She pushes past the two of us and into the kitchen, and we follow behind her.
“She knows?” Levi whispers.
“Of course she knows,” I whisper back. “She’s my best friend. I tell her everything.”
He stops walking and looks at me with his eyebrows raised. “Everything?”
“Not the juicy stuff, babe.” I pat him on the back. “Don’t worry, I only tell her enough to make her drool over you. The rest is between us.”
“She drools over me?” His eyes twinkle—literally freaking twinkle—and I can’t help but roll mine.
SUMMER IS OFFICIALLY GONE and in its place is the beauty of fall. Crisp red leaves are sprinkled across my yard, and I watch as a light breeze picks several of them up and tosses them around. I close my eyes, listening to the rustling sound, rocking back in my swing. It’s the little things like this that I’ve been trying to absorb . . . to memorize. I’ve never been a morning person, but now I enjoy sitting on my porch and watching the sun rise. It’s different each day, and I think that makes it even more exciting. You never know if you’re going to get a bright orange glow highlighted with shades of red, or a pink sky sprinkled with purple clouds. But it doesn’t matter which one you get; they’re all beautiful because they all represent another day.
The front door creaks and I open my eyes to find Mia walking out, wrapped in a blanket, a cup of coffee clutched between her hands. Her hair is done and makeup is on, and she looks as gorgeous as ever. “What are you doing out here?” she asks, sitting down next to me, the tattered wood screeching with the weight of us both.
“Just thinking.”
“About what?”
“Everything.” I shrug, not wanting to burden her with the weight of my world. I feel like she gets the brunt of it as it is. She’s been living with me since she officially moved to St. Louis a month ago, and although Levi is here the majority of the time, it’s always when he’s gone that I let myself break down. And unfortunately for Mia, she’s usually the only one here.
Initially, she wanted to find her own apartment, but I asked her to stay because she’s been my rock for so long and I feel like I need her close. It’s been great having Levi around, but sometimes I just want Mia. She’s been sleeping on the couch, and nights when Levi stays over she usually ends up sleeping on Benny’s couch because she insists she can hear us ‘bumping uglies,’ as she puts it. Mia’s had a hard time finding a job so she’s been helping Benny with his small construction business by doing paperwork and ordering supplies. It isn’t what she wants to do, but it’s keeping her busy.
“Are you feeling okay?” she asks.
“As good as can be expected.” I give her a sidelong glance and she sighs. That’s the answer I give everyone these days because it’s the easiest way to avert the question. As much as they all love me—and I know they do—I can’t burden them with my endless amounts of fatigue and worry . . . and I worry a lot.
I’ve officially maxed out my credit cards paying off hospital bills. I met my deductible right after the surgery, but I still have to pay twenty percent of everything, and that adds up when ‘everything’ includes oncologists and chemotherapy. My checks from Flame provide enough to keep me afloat, but the anxiety of living paycheck to paycheck is starting to take its toll. Especially when you combine it with everything else I’ve got going on.
Levi is always the highlight of every day. His presence alone is usually enough to calm all of my fears. I have no doubt that he would help me out if I asked, but it isn’t his place. It’s my responsibility and I’ll get through it, just like I get through everything else—one day at a time.
“I hate that answer.” Mia looks away, taking a sip of her coffee. She blows across the top, and I watch as the steam rises and dissipates before she takes another sip.
“It’s the only answer I’ve got.”
She purses her lips. “So you say.” We sit in the soft glow of the cool morning, neither of us saying a word, and for the first time in a long time, I feel peaceful. I’ve enjoyed having Mia around. Sometimes the triple dose of testosterone can get a little overwhelming, and she somehow manages to even it all out. “So,” she says, breaking the silence. “Want me to go with you today?”
“You don’t have to. I think Benny is supposed to come.” I glance over at her, but her face is a blank mask. I have no idea what she’s thinking. “I mean, you can if you want, but you don’t have to.”
“Why haven’t you asked Levi to go?”
“I don’t know,” I say with a shrug. “I guess I just don’t want him to see me like that.”
“Like what?” she scoffs. “You’re usually fine during your treatments, except for when they make you sick.”
“I guess I just didn’t want him to have to see me hooked up to the tubes. That part makes it more real, ya know?” Her face softens when she looks over at me and nods.
“Has he asked to come?”
“No,” I sigh, tilting my head up to the sky. “And I figure if he isn’t asking, then maybe there’s a reason.”
“Or maybe he’s waiting for you to ask him. Maybe he’s waiting for you to need him.”
“Mayb
e.” Digging my toes into the porch, I give us a push and the swing starts moving. “What are you up to today?” I ask, trying to avoid talking about this any further.