No, Tony didn’t really love me. He only wanted to keep me to stay alive. I can live with the memories of the last three months. I’ll keep them and treasure them forever.
I tell myself this longing will fade, but damn it, it doesn’t. I’ve found a job as a home health worker and am settling into my empty apartment. On the eighth day, I wake up one morning feeling even worse than I have been. When I get up to take a shower, I faint dead away. A few hours later, the urgent care doctor congratulates me on being seven weeks pregnant. I faint again for only the third time in my life.
All I want to do is get in my car and drive straight through the night to get back to Tony. I actually start packing until I remember all the reasons it’s wrong. No, I would be wrecking his life. I have to stay strong, for the baby and for Tony.
Now that I know I’m having his baby, a new calm comes over me. This is a way of having Tony forever. If I had known, I never would have left. Deep down, I hate myself for walking away from him with the one thing we both wanted. I have no doubt Tony will hate me ten times more for not going back to him with our baby. But the baby gives me a different kind of strength to get through every day. It wasn’t really love. I need to remember that.
14
Present Day
Tony
I’ve just swallowed my morning espresso when the call comes in from Johnny. “Yeah.”
“Regina’s fucking trying to get married behind my back!” He yells so loudly I pull the phone away from my ear. “I can’t believe this shit. I need Dom here now. This has all gone to hell. I knew it. I knew I should have just told her when she got here to New York two years ago and brought Dom here and settled this. Why did I listen to you?”
I motion to Carmella that I need another espresso. “I told you when she rolled her eyes at you six months ago, she was ready to take on Dominic. You were the one trying to get her to stay because she wanted to, not because you got the doctors telling your time is up.” I remind him. “What the hell do you mean she’s getting married?”
“Last week, I found out she’s been sneaking around with some fucking pencil dick wanna-be associate of Benny Bruno. The guy is a piece of shit. He’s all coked up and in it to his fucking neck to Al and Benny. I locked her down in her room while I looked into how deep he is with Al and Benny. Come to find out today, she thinks she’s getting married at the courthouse tomorrow. If Dominic doesn’t get up here fast, I’m going to lose her to this fucker.” He’s out of breath.
I work to keep the annoyance out of my voice. Wincing, as I remember Johnny’s days are running down from the lung cancer he was diagnosed with two years ago. “This could be a good thing. Dominic having to save her from herself. He won’t like it, but he won’t back down from it. There’s no way around it, though. You’re going to have to ask him to make her his wife. He won’t refuse you as his Don, especially not after he sees what he’s saving her from. But only after he’s met her, you do it before, and he’ll run the other way.”
“That won’t make him resent her?”
“Maybe for five minutes. He won’t hold onto it. She’s a beautiful young woman. Finally, she’s a woman. Dominic won’t be able to keep his hands off her for long. Once he’s had her, he’ll come around.” I hope to god I’m right, and my son doesn’t hate me for this.
“You’re sure?” Johnny doesn’t sound convinced.
“I’m sure. I’ll make the reservation for his flight out to New York right now.”
Johnny sighs. “Good, good. Okay. When he comes to see me, I’ll tell him to do what he can to keep them apart. So I got him thinking of having to save her already. Thanks, Tony. I shouldn’t have left this so long. I thought I would have more time, y’know? Fucking cancer. Happy birthday, Tony. Enjoy them while you got them.”
Did he just take a drag off a cigar? “Jesus, Johnny, are you still smoking?”
“What the fuck does it matter if I have a cigar now? I’m already dead. God damn it, that’s my fucking doctor. I gotta go.”
Shaking my head, I swallow the second espr
esso.
“Dominic is going to lose it,” Carmella hisses at me. “I can’t believe you’re doing this to him.”
“I’m doing this for him. He thinks he’s happy. He’s fucking miserable. I want him to have what his cousins have. Regina is a beautiful woman who isn’t jaded from this fucked up world. She will love him, and he won’t be able to keep from loving her back. In the end, he’ll be happy. That’s what matters. How it begins doesn’t mean shit.”
Tossing down her dish towel. “Tell yourself that. I’m out of here. I won’t be able to keep my mouth shut. When this blows up in your face, I will say I told you so. I made you tiramisu for your birthday. I hope you choke on it.”
I take a deep breath and wonder how bad it might be when Dominic finds out I had a hand in this. It could be bad, but I’m willing to take the chance. For his happiness, there aren’t many things I wouldn’t do.
***
Tony
Walking Dominic out, after I set the alarm, a glint of light through the stained glass windows catches my eye in the living room. I’m drawn into the room. I don’t come in here anymore. The reds, pinks, and plums of the room remind me of Christy. Was it Dominic bringing up Christy today? He hasn’t said her name since she walked out. As promised, he never said, he told me so. After I stopped wallowing in my misery, he only ever asked if I wanted to talk. I didn’t, so we didn’t.
I haven’t told him that a little less than six months after she walked away, I called Hugo and told him to find Christy.
For the first time since she left, I went hunting for a release from more than my hand. Yet without all the liquor and pain clouding me when I tried to touch the beautiful woman, my dick couldn’t get hard. It was a betrayal to touch someone else. Anger flared to life all over again at her, at myself. The next day, I tried again. This time all I sought was a willing mouth, something, anything to prove I was wrong. Christy wasn’t coming back, and I had to move on from her. But it still wouldn’t happen.