Seeing tears well up in her eyes and fall down her beautiful face touches that hollow deep inside again. It doesn’t just touch it, it’s torn wide open, and brought to painful, pounding life. I have no right, yet I cannot stop from grabbing her and holding tight. At first, she fights me, but it only takes seconds for her to melt into me.
“I’m sorry, love, I am so fucking sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I swear on everything within me. It wasn’t you. It was all me. I was sure you’d hate me. Positive you’d run as fast as you could the moment you found out. Fuck all our agreement, your promise to me.
“I told myself a thousand times to leave you behind in the States, to give you an easy out, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t walk away from you. I was too damn selfish, I was putting the pain on you to end this, to leave me. The whole time hoping you wouldn’t.”
Bewildered, she reaches up to touch my cheek. “What the hell are you talking about? Why would you think that? How could you think I would leave you?”
“Because of Mum, what she did. How I drove her to—”
Her hand covers my mouth. “Stop it, don’t you dare say it. The woman is absolutely evil to have done what she did to you. And it was to you, Ivan, not because of you. She wanted to hurt you, not herself. There is no way I could walk away from you, you stupid idiot—that’s why it hurt so bad.”
Relief surges through me. I lose all control. We fall where we stand, frantic, greedy, needing the connection we came so close to losing. I’m too close too damn fast. But thank fuck she’s there before me and I follow her into heaven.
A long time later, body aches remind me I’m on my knees with Christina on my lap when there’s a bed only a few feet from us. She sighs my name as I move. I treasure the sound, giving thanks to hear it when I was sure I never would again. It is not until I am laying her down on the bed it hits me: fucking hell. I forgot the condom.
The fear I expect is not there; instead an odd tingle of triumph runs through me. What the hell is that? What does it mean? Children are demanding, needy, and require constant attention. I felt I paid my dues in that respect with Gemma and Hannah. I had no desire to father a child of my own...I think.
“Ivan, what’s the matter?” Christina catches my hand.
“I forgot a condom. I’m sorry, love.”
She blinks, her eyes go wide. A breath fills her chest then she sighs in relief. “It’s okay. It should be safe. It’s too close.”
Why the hell do I not feel relief? She sees my confusion for something else.
“To my period. I’m only a few days away from starting. I didn’t want to mention it because it’s not very sexy or anything, but—” A small shrug. “I’m almost positive there’s nothing to worry about.”
Her eyes shadow at my lack of response. I’m still trying to figure out what the hell I’m feeling.
“If it’s that big of a deal I can get the morning after pill.”
“No.” It flies out of my mouth. Absolutely not. I struggle to contain the words.
Her eyes widen in surprise.
“If you think it’s safe then I don’t want you taking something that could adversely affect you. With all those problems you had with the pill.”
She had explained she wasn’t on birth control because she had tried them during her relationship with the git. However, after one type disturbed her emotional equilibrium and the other caused weight gain, she had no desire to go back on them. Even though I wanted to argue with her, almost positive something like this would happen, my need overcoming my brain, I hadn’t. I promised her I would take care of it, of her.
“I’m sorry, I forgot. Whatever happens, we’ll deal with it,” I promise.
Worry flickers in her eye.
“Not that, never that. We will deal with it, together, not just you.”
Her smile is sunshine, bright and warm. “You are an idiot. I never doubted you for a minute. Come to bed, please.”
17
Christina
I groan as I rub the washcloth over Ivan’s chest. I changed my mind: I’m pretty sure I’m never going to lose the awe I have for his stunning body. “I don’t want to go downstairs. I want to stay here with you.”
Ivan chuckles as he pulls me close. “Why do you think I don’t like people? Less amount of time spent with them means more time I can devote to your insatiable body.”
“I’m insatiable? Pot, kettle, black. I can’t help it. The feel of you without a condom is so utterly delicious, I don’t want you to waste a second of it. I think I’m a little high on having your attention all day long without you checking your phone one time. Do you feel all right? Are you going to get the shakes?”
“You think you’re so funny.”