Not completely, not for fear of commitment—I’m simply unable to look into her eyes without the deepest regret eating me alive. What I did to her… Even now, I want to disappear; shame at my thoughts and actions rising up like a solid plate of glass between us. The truth is: I can never fully trust myself around her again.
“Are you feeling better?” she asks, giving my hand a pump and then holding it tighter. Preventing me from releasing it, how I usually do before long. Again, I want to punch myself. Or maybe she should just go ahead and punch me one good time. I almost miss that about her.
But she sacrificed everything for me. And how do I repay her? With hesitancy.
Trying, I close both my hands around hers, bringing her closer. “Just needed to get off my leg for a while.” I smile, hoping I sound sincere. But the flash of uncertainty in her jade eyes reveals her concern, and her doubt.
“I wish you’d allow me to heal you,” she says.
She knows I won’t, though. I’ve already told her I can bear the pain; it’s only a torn tendon—though what I won’t voice is that I feel I deserve this pain and much more.
Bax taking his place at the head of the room draws her attention, and I release a pent-up breath. Someday soon, I’ll need to address my issues. I hate that she must feel my distance. I want so badly to explain it has nothing to do with her—it’s all my bullshit.
“Where’s Teagan?” he asks.
Kai enters the den and says, “I just took her to her room. Though I feel really…strange locking up one of our Council members.” She moves to sit next to Lilly.
“Former Council member,” Bax corrects. “She can’t be trusted. So until we figure out just what to do with her, best to keep her out of the know.” He clears his throat and presses his silver-ringed brows together. “I received a missive today from Lake. He’s made it into the compound.” His narrowed gaze travels over us, allowing t
his news to settle in. “From here on, we’ll have little communication with him. It would be too dangerous if he’s caught. For us all. We have to trust he’ll get us word when, and only if, Bale decides to spring her followers.”
“You know she will,” Lena cuts in. Her eyes widen as she glances between Kal and Bax. “Once she’s taken out the rulers of the Three Realms, I mean. She owes her underlings a debt, right?”
Bax huffs. “I doubt you can rely on the dark goddess to follow through with her promises.”
I feel Kal tense next to me. “She’ll see some of them through,” she says, and the room stills at her softly spoken yet assured words.
“Only those that serve her, my friend,” Bax says. Their gazes meet briefly, and something of an understanding passes between them. I tighten my hold on her hand, trying to offer reassurance. I feel I’m failing miserably.
Kal returns the pressure on my hand, and says, “Was Lake able to discover anything about Empress Iana and Julian’s efforts? Any idea as to what their plan of attack will be?”
Bax shakes his head. “Unfortunately, our new informant wasn’t able to get close enough during his capture. He maintains he was taken directly to the compound with the imprisoned Otherworlders—” Bax halts suddenly, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a letter. He skims it, then, “He did mention passing through the Perinyian Court. Giant walls have been erected, the people being brought inside the perimeter. I assume, then, their only tactic at this point is defense.”
This makes sense. After the number of losses both countries suffered during the war, it will take time to rebuild their forces. Only, Bale is unlikely to allow them that time to do so. From what I recall during the possession, Bale was anxious to exact her revenge on the world. On the people who worship the sisters who banished her.
Which doesn’t make sense why we’re still sitting here. Alive. Why the leaders still live, and countries remain intact. “What is she waiting for?” I hear myself say aloud before I’m able to clamp my mouth shut.
“Possibly recovering?” Kaide offers. “Kal was able to hurt her.”
Kal releases a clipped breath. “The little damage I inflicted… No. She healed quickly.” She bows her head, her long dark hair falling around her face to conceal it. I almost reach out to brush it aside, but clench the hand not linked with hers into a fist.
I feel the stare of every person in the room. I spent months with the moon goddess trapped inside me. They’re right; I should have some kind of answer as to what her next move will be—but would it help?
Releasing Kal’s hand to wrap my arm around her, I pull her against my side. Make sure I’m giving her some kind of comfort for my next admission. “She likes…games,” I say. I hear Kal’s breath grow shallow. “I believe she’s waiting until we present a great enough challenge for her. Something she can delight in destroying even further. For her, there would be little enjoyment in conquering too easily.”
While the others ponder this, I glimpse the silent woman beside me. And all I want to do is drop to my knees before her and beg her forgiveness for the hundredth time.
“This is nonsense,” Lena says, and all attention is directed toward her. “Kal is the damn goddesses’ weapon. Why haven’t the empress and the Councils come crawling back to her, pleading for her help?”
“That’s not how it works,” Lilly says, placing her hand on her lover’s thigh. “Rulers don’t request, and they certainly don’t beg—they take. And besides, Kal was their weapon. She’s not now.”
“That’s right,” Kal says. “I was only designed to be Bale’s vessel. To reunite the lost part of herself and make her whole again. I’m not much of a threat to her otherwise.”
Something distant…a thought or memory…pulls at the corners of my mind. “Wait,” I say. As I try to uncover it, the headache I’d just rid myself of comes back full force. I pinch my eyes closed and mutter a curse under my breath.
Kal’s warm palm touches my chest. “You don’t have to—”
“I do,” I say forcibly. Because this is my penance. For all the horror I helped Bale unleash, I must suffer some. I have to offer something, anything that will help us. Just maybe. “She didn’t just fear Kal while she was incorporeal. She wanted Kal destroyed permanently, after the fact.” I look up at them. “She believed Kal would continue to threaten her…somehow. It’s the last thing I can recall.”