A long beat of silence ended with Dan saying, ‘Seriously?’ in a low tone.
‘Look, it’s none of my business what you get up to in your –’
‘Who saw us? How many of them?’
‘It was just me. I was looking at some photos of Jim’s rock-climbing holiday last month, wanted to see if it was something I’d go for. Got bored and started fiddling around with stuff. Found the car-park cam and …’
‘Yeah, yeah, busted,’ said Dan resignedly. ‘Keep it to yourself, yeah?’
‘Of course.’ He took a quick look back at me. ‘You’re OK, Phil?’
‘God, yes.’
‘You’re sure?’
Great. Now Dan’s colleague was suspecting him of domestic abuse.
‘It was my idea,’ I said.
‘It’s all right, you don’t have to –’
‘Yes, I do. I don’t want anyone getting the wrong idea. I asked Dan if he’d, er, do the necessary if things got out of hand. It all came from me. He wasn’t even that keen on any of it.’ I paused. ‘To begin with.’
Patrick, the tips of his ears bright red, mumbled, ‘Right.’
‘So,’ I continued, ‘I was out of order tonight, having too much to drink so I couldn’t drive home, so he gets to, y’know, deliver a bit of summary jus
tice. Crime and punishment, that’s your business, isn’t it? Not hard to understand, I hope.’
Patrick considered this. ‘Well, no,’ he said. ‘And not even any paperwork to fill in afterwards, eh, Dan?’
‘Not for me,’ he muttered, sounding slightly less stressed.
‘It’s different anyway,’ said Patrick. ‘Different strokes …’
‘Literally,’ I said and he laughed, thawing.
‘Well, that’s given me something to think about,’ he said. ‘When I saw you two down there at first, I thought something else was going on. Especially when he lifted up your skirt. I thought I’d better get down and warn you, before you got done for indecent exposure. And then you started … well, I couldn’t stop watching. I wasn’t sure I could believe my eyes. By the time I got down there, old Uniform was on the case. I know him, by the way, used to work at Sands Lane nick before he retired from the job. If you want me to have a word …’
‘I don’t think that’ll be necessary,’ said Dan. ‘I think he’s let it go.’
‘So,’ said Patrick, turning into our street. ‘If Dan winds you up, do you get to wallop his backside?’
I laughed again. ‘It doesn’t work that way.’
‘Tch. I thought we were all about equality these days.’
‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘And it’s my equal right not to want to spank my husband. Besides, he’s practically perfect in every way.’
I said it with a certain malicious glee, knowing that Dan had had the nickname ‘Mary Poppins’ when he joined the force as a somewhat over-eager young constable. It served him right after all that Twinkletoes stuff earlier.
Patrick laughed heartily at that as he parked up outside our block.
‘Oh, well, all’s forgotten and forgiven, I’m sure,’ he said.
‘Thanks for this, Pat,’ said Dan, unbuckling his seatbelt. ‘You won’t say anything, will you? If this gets round the station …’
‘Don’t worry, mate. Though it’s a lovely juicy bit of gossip.’ He sighed.