He leaned down to rub Frank’s ears, and Frank grinned up at him. “He’ll be better off here, with you. And the babies will love him.”
He picked up the bag and hooked it over his shoulder. Waves of panic washed over her, making her cold.
“You’re really going to walk out on me, Nick?” she asked, hardly believing she was saying those words aloud. “This can’t be what you want.”
“I’m fixing things. I might not like how I’m fixing it, but I can and I will.” He crossed to her side, placed a lingering, chaste kiss on her forehead, then stepped back. “I’m freeing you.”
Freeing her? She pinched the bridge of her nose. How was this even happening?
He took a step to the door, and she threw up a hand. “Hang on. This is your house. Why are you walking out? If you really want to separate, I’ll go back to my place.”
“No, stay as long as you need,” he said simply. “I can’t sit still right now anyway.”
This was beyond crazy. “Where will you go?”
“I don’t know.” His forehead scrunched up, and he rubbed it with his free hand. “I’ll stay at Natalie’s B&B tonight, and when I decide what I’ll do after that, I’ll let you know.”
He took another step toward the door, and a sob crept up her throat. She only just managed to hold it back. “Nick, don’t leave me.”
“I’m sorry, Harper. Really sorry.” And the look in his eyes said that was true. “I think this is the best thing to do.”
He turned and walked through the door. Her husband, the man she loved, the father of her unborn babies, had just left her. Abandoned her. She covered her face with her hands as the sob in her throat finally broke free.
Twelve
Darkness...dark so thick and heavy it was choking... Fumbling for a light switch, but nothing... A flashlight... Thumbing the button... A beam of light... Illuminating nothing. Where was Harper? Swinging the beam in all directions... A newborn’s cry... Frantically looking... Another cry joining the first... The babies! But where? There! In the distance... Harper carrying two babies... Yelling her name... She can’t hear him... Walking away... No! His wife, his babies... Trying to run to catch them... Legs not working...stuck... Harper! His life, his everything, walking away... Harper! No...don’t leave... Gone... Alone... Flashlight beam fading... Darkness...
Nick woke panting, covered in a cold sweat. He reached for Harper but only found empty sheets. Memory came trickling back. She was in their bed, in their home, and he was here at the B&B alone. He didn’t even have Frank to calm him.
Heart still racing double time, he kicked the sheet off.
“What the hell have I done?” he said to the empty room.
He’d left the best thing that had ever happened to him. Someone who made his life better just by being in it. Someone he wanted so badly he ached with it.
But leaving had never been about what he wanted. What he needed.
Leaving had been about what was best for Harper and the babies. He had to protect her, no matter the cost. And the cost was him.
He’d freed her to find someone who could meet her needs. Someone who wasn’t messed up. Someone who wasn’t him. A red-hot poker slammed into his chest at the thought.
His father’s words came back to him. “You’re the strong one. You have to look after your mother and Malcolm.” If his father had met Harper, he would have included her in that group. And even if he hadn’t, Nick included her in the group of people he was responsible for.
When you were the responsible one, sometimes you had to make sacrifices for them.
In the dark of an unfamiliar bedroom, snatches of memories and old dreams assailed him, of losing men in his unit. He’d been responsible for them, too, and he’d had to make hard calls for their sake. The familiar weight of grief and failure landed on him, smothering him. But this time, something was different. On the movie screen in his mind where the past had been stuck on a relentless loop, the scenes seemed to reorganize themselves. He’d replayed his options that day over and over in his mind and had never come up with a scenario where all his team survived. He’d always considered his lack of solution even in hindsight another failure. But now it hit him—if he hadn’t made the hard call with his unit, more would have died. He’d made the best decision with the information, resources and options he had. Everyone had told him that, but it finally made sense. He finally believed it.
He didn’t feel better—members of his unit had still died—but his heart was somehow a little less chaotic.
He said a silent prayer for those who’d been lost that day, and this time, he made a start at letting them go. Not to forget, never that, but to stop tormenting himself. He’d made the only decision possible that day. The price had been unspeakably high, but it was the best he could have done.
Now he needed to do the same with his marriage—hold fast now that he’d made the hard call to minimize casualties. A shudder ripped through him—his body revolting at what his mind knew was right.
If he could be granted one wish in this moment, he’d use it to have their family together. Harper, the babies, Ellie and him. But that would be selfish.
This sacrifice was his price to pay for their happiness, and for their sakes, he’d pay it a thousand times over.
All he had to do was learn how to keep breathing while he paid it.