He’d been home between tours when Ellie was a baby, but he’d been away for a big chunk of Melissa’s pregnancy. He was only realizing now what he’d missed and was determined not to let any details pass by this time. “Okay, so we’ll ignore the books for the moment. Tell me what it’s like for you.”
As he rubbed the muscle, up and down, gently digging his knuckles in, she opened up about the little things she hadn’t shared before now. At one time he might have thought he was tough as nails, that war had hardened him, but listening to Harper describe the miracle of pregnancy, the ways her body was changing as it grew his babies, he could practically feel his heart melt into a puddle.
They changed positions so he could do her other leg, and he asked more questions, drawing out her own feelings of wonder about the experience.
“You can probably stop now,” she said with a soft smile.
Her eyes were drooping, so he ran his hands one last time over her calf, as much for himself as for her, then pulled the sheet up over her sh
oulders.
“Sleep well,” he said and reverently kissed her forehead. Reluctantly, he steeled himself to walk away and leave her until morning.
“Nick?”
He didn’t dare look back at her, knowing his willpower was already stretched thin. “Yeah?”
“Stay with me.” She lifted the sheet as invitation. “Just for tonight, stay and hold me.”
His stomach rolled and sank. He’d been the one to propose marriage, and he’d been the one to suggest their new dating arrangement. No question, he’d been the one pushing their relationship forward. And now Harper was finally asking for something, wanting more...and it was something he couldn’t give.
“Harper, I’d do it if I could, but you know I can’t.”
She sucked her bottom lip into her mouth and bit down, her gaze watchful, uncertain. “Is this just about your nightmares?”
She thought that he didn’t want to be in her bed? That he didn’t dream of waking wrapped around her warm body? “I promise, nothing else could keep me away from you.”
“I don’t care about them.” She wriggled up to a sitting position against the headboard.
God, the temptation of the idea. Of her.
“Sleep is essential when you’re pregnant.” He said it like it was a mantra.
“It’s just for tonight.” She glanced at her bedside clock. “Or what’s left of it. I’ll sleep better if you hold me.”
In asking for this, he knew she was going out on a limb. She’d been so cautious about taking their relationship too far or too fast up until now. And this was the thing she chose to ask of him. The one thing he couldn’t grant her.
His chest ached from having to deny her, but he had no choice. “Harper, I can’t. You know I can’t.”
He’d have given anything in that moment to climb into that bed and lie with her all night. If he ever healed from this damn illness and was able to spend his nights wrapped around her, he’d never take it for granted. Not even once.
“Harper, I’m so damn sorry.”
“It’s okay,” she said, but there was hurt in her eyes. Hurt he’d put there with what was, in effect, another little abandonment, and that pierced something deep in his chest. He squeezed his eyes against its power, brushed a kiss over her forehead and walked away before he could change his mind.
* * *
Nick sat on the end of Harper’s bed, looking at the paint swatches she’d taped to her wall. They’d spent the evening measuring the nursery for furniture, and thinking about colors and decor.
“I’m not sure I can look at another yellow swatch. I might have reached my limit of yellow.”
“Not a problem,” she said, her voice holding a note of teasing. “This one isn’t yellow. It’s lemon sorbet.”
He groaned, then chuckled and fell backward to lie across the width of her bed. “Just come and sit for a few minutes and give me a break.”
“Would you rather look at the seven swatches of various whites for the trims?” she said, but she came over anyway and lay down beside him.
As he stared up at the ceiling, he felt her hand sneak into his, and he squeezed it tight. And though he never would have predicted it a few months ago, there was nowhere he’d rather be than lying side by side with this woman, talking about setting up the nursery and holding hands. It was scary how much he simply wanted to be near her.