“Do you have to leave right away? Sadie asked if you would help put her to bed.”
“I’d love to,” she said, “let me wash my hands.”
Sadie and I waited on her bed, and Sadie held the candy fairy book from the library that was her latest favorite. When Rachel came in, her bare feet stepping softly on the rug, as if her very movements were hushed, Sadie offered her the book.
Rachel crouched over the bed to read it and show the pictures, but Sadie scooted over. “There’s room!” she offered.
There really wasn’t room. There was barely room for myself and Sadie on the twin bed, but I scooted onto my side and Sadie squished into me, so Rachel had room to sort of sit on the bed to read. She shifted onto her side, slid her arm behind us. My daughter nestled into her and I looked at them, at Rachel’s light hair spilling onto the pillow behind Sadie’s brown waves. Rachel did a voice for the grouchy gnome in the story and Sadie giggled and repeated the words a few times. They laughed together. I pointed out a caterpillar wearing glasses and wondered why he had them.
“So he can read the story, too,” Rachel said. “I mean, not all caterpillars are born with perfect vision. Maybe he’s nearsighted and can’t see the words at the top of the page. Or maybe it was to make him look funny.”
Sadie shrugged, “Do the gnome again!”
“He’s not on this page,” Rachel said, “he’s not even in the story again.”
“Oh, well, can you do the voice anyway?”
“You want the fairy to sound like a grumpy man?” Rachel teased.
“No, I like it.”
“Okay,” and Rachel cleared her throat and said in her gnome voice. “You need to go to sleep, young lady, or I’ll send my friend the troll to get your toes!”
Sadie giggled and hooted over that and curled her feet up to hide her toes. Rachel spontaneously squeezed her and kissed her hair.
“You are the best kid, I swear,” she said warmly.
Sadie’s skinny arms slid around Rachel’s neck and hugged her back. It moved me, seeing my daughter with a woman, acting like she belonged to her. It felt so intimate, in the warm glow of Sadie’s moon lamp, the three of us clustered together reading a bedtime story. A seismic shift rocked me in my chest. What I felt was a bit like joy, like seeing something warm and lovely through the shards of a broken window perhaps, and love. Only the love between Sadie and me, and between Sadie and Rachel. Only that, of course, nothing more. But, by itself, it was beautiful and made me ache.
When we had finished the book, with me taking a turn with the last few pages, Sadie asked me to sing, and I did. Rachel joined in on the parts she knew of the old song, and Sadie snuggled under her blanket, Mooshie and the mouse both clutched in her arm, and her eyes drifted shut.
“Her eyelashes are insane, they’re so long and dark,” Rachel whispered. “I can’t quit staring at them. She’s perfect. How can you stand it?” Her eyes met mine.
“She’s always been that way, perfectly herself. When she was newborn, her fingernails were what killed me. They were so small it looked impossible, but so complete. So pretty,” I admitted.
Rachel leaned down and kissed Sadie’s forehead. “I love you, baby girl, you have sweet dreams,” she whispered.
I waited by the door and we left the room, shutting the door behind us. The air between us was thick with the intimacy, the unspoken. What we’d just shared, and the electric current between us. The lush curve of her full lower lip called to me. We weren’t even two steps out of the bedroom when we were all over each other like a flash of lightning had ripped through us both.
My arm went around her waist, pinning her against me, and her lips parted, open for me, sucking my tongue into her mouth. Sensation rioted through my body like a bolt of fire straight to my cock. Rachel’s hands were on my face, in my beard, her fingertips—God, it felt amazing.
“I want to feel you,” she said, “everything.” Her breath came in soft gasps.
“Are you sure?” I managed to grind out, backing up from her for a second, trying to catch my breath that sawed in and out of my chest like I’d run six miles.
She nodded vigorously, “Yes. So sure. Very sure.” She laughed.
That was all I needed, the assurance that Rachel wanted me, wanted this as much as I did. I swept her up in my arms. She covered her mouth with her hand because she started to give a squeal at being picked up. I reveled in it, honestly. The feeling of sheer power in my body as I lifted her in my arms, making her kick her feet and squeal because I’d surprised her. I’d be surprising her a lot more in just a few minutes, I thought slyly.