Unbeknownst to me, the man I had loved most in the whole world had carried on an affair with my best friend for months before I found out about it. Months! Months! God, the very idea baffled me. How did I not know? Was I just blinded by my love for him? Finding them out?it was not something that anyone should ever have to experience. The betrayal of a best friend. You almost expect it from a man, but not a girl you grew up with from the time you were 9 years old. Men were always the ones whom you feared would stray. It never occurred to me to not trust a beloved best friend. She and I had been through thick and thin; we had shared many scraped knees, broken hearts, and provided one another with a shoulder to cry on when needed. And all it took was for her to become attracted to my man. A man I thought I would marry one day. Shouldn't that have been sacred?something no other should think of touching?
There truly was no amount of alcohol that could erase the image of catching them having sex. He had her bent over the couch, doing the unthinkable. I had walked in just as she had been screaming out his name. I could have killed them both right then and there. The shock had been incredible, and I felt ill every time I thought about it. Walking in early from class, excited to surprise him with pizza and beer
, it had all dropped to the floor as I rushed in and saw him having sex with her on the couch. Right there, right where we often watched movies and cuddled, he had done the unspeakable with one of my oldest friends. I may have even been able to forgive it had it only been a one-time occurrence, but that wasn't the case at all. They were in love, and just didn't have the heart or the balls to tell me about it. They had been involved for months, right under my nose. I often wondered when it had first begun. Had he and I been going through problems at the time? What made him look at her in a different light? I thought about it a lot?too much, in fact. I wondered who had initiated it; which one of them crossed the line first? I couldn't bear to think that it was she who made the first move. The thought was just too evil; how could she betray me in such a way? Take away the only thing that really mattered to me. How could I not have seen? How do you miss something so significant?
There must have been lingering looks between them when they were around each other, text messages to his phone, and every time he wasn't with me, had he been with her? Had he been responding to her messages while he was with me? Surely he would have been. He received many texts in my presence. Who knows how many had arrived from her phone? There was nothing in the world that could make a girl feel more stupid than to realize I had been made a fool of for months. Did they often laugh about me? Joke about how I had no idea about what they were doing? Did they talk about me? Discuss how they would have to eventually tell me the truth? I could bet money on the fact that it was he who decided to avoid coming clean. Women were different, she would have wanted to lay claim to him as soon as possible. She must have been bugging him for quite some time to come clean, or at the very least, break up with me so that they could begin their own love story. Love Story. One that used to be mine. It was thoughts like that which could cause me to be in a bar on a regular basis.
After walking in on the two of them, I could do nothing but run out of the room crying; I didn't even have it in me to confront them. I should have, I should have clawed her eyes out, and left his body unidentifiable. I had heard my best friend call out my name as I left the apartment, as if the girl could possibly have anything to say to me at that point to ease the pain I was in. Though I wouldn't lie, the curiosity did kill me now, after the fact. I wondered what she intended to say. Sorry? You snooze, you lose? I love him? He doesn't want to be with you?
I did regret, however, the lack of hysterics I showed toward them. Thinking back on it, I should have allowed them to try to explain the disgusting show they had put on for me. To see what kind of excuses they would give me, what kind of fine, veiled apologies. In the end, however, it wouldn't have mattered. As far as I knew, they were still together; isn't love grand? I had hoped it would be a fling. That he would come back begging for another chance, so that I would have the opportunity to slap his face.
So insert booze, and I suddenly forgot how pathetic I must have been not to know that the two people I had trusted the most had been lying and running around on me behind my back. Maybe another shot was a good idea, the more I thought about it.
Julie and I sat at the bar in one of the more popular places in the area, and downed large amounts of alcohol. The bar was certainly a happenin' place if you were into picking up. I wasn't one to notice, however. I usually stared sullenly into my glass for most of the night. Poor Julie, she must think I'm an alcoholic.
When the shots arrived, Julie handed me one and raised it to toast. “What should we toast to?”
I snorted, “I know! Let's toast to becoming cat people, and watching old reruns of I Love Lucy together.”
“Screw that. Are you crazy? Natalie, you are gorgeous. Your ex was an idiot, and what he did was unconscionable, but you will find someone else?someone much better. Just wait and see.”
“I don't want anyone else. I loved him, and look how well that turned out. How could I possibly trust anyone ever again? I know what you're thinking, I'm being negative. But sometimes it's a good thing, really.”
“I don't think you will see any motivational posters saying that.”
I laughed despite myself. “I guess not.”
We downed the shots, and I cringed for the tenth time that night. I hated thinking about my past. It had just been so awful. When did it ever get easier, when did the pain lessen? When would I stop seeing that image of the two of them together? It was bad enough that I lost the man I loved, but losing my best friend at the same time had crushed me. I had never felt so alone in all my life. Three years I had been with him, and it all was thrown away, for nothing. What a waste, I thought. Three years of loving and caring for him, and I still had no idea why he did it. Why had I not been enough for him? I loved him, and had thought we had a really good sex life. What made him want her more than me? These were the questions that plagued me relentlessly until I lost the ability to sleep, lying awake just waiting for morning to come.
At first, I had tried to be productive about the breakup, being motivational, positive thinking at all times, mostly working on my homework and drawing whenever the mood struck me. I thought I could get lost in my art and forget my broken heart. Unfortunately, things never quite worked out that way. Instead, here I was, dangling off a bar stool with a girl who did not know how to stop ordering tequila.
“Should we do another shot?”
“Are you high? Absolutely not. I can barely see, and somehow I am still thinking about my ex-boyfriend. This isn't working. If alcohol can't make me forget, then what the hell are we doing out tonight? I need to forget him!” I noticed that Julie was looking around. “You're not even paying attention to my whining,” I laughed. “You should be listening to my whining; my heart is broken, for crying out loud.”
Julie smiled at me, finally focusing her attention back on me. “No, I wasn't ignoring you, Natalie. There is this ridiculously hot guy over there, checking you out.”
“Oh, give me a break.” What could he possibly be checking out? What friend of mine he could sleep with?
“Oh my God, it's Jet. He's totally checking you out.”
“Who?” I asked.
“Are you kidding me, Natalie? You don't know who Jet is?”
“Nope. Should I?”
“He's only one of the most popular guys on campus. All the girls have been drooling over him for years since he started dominating in MMA.”
“He’s a fighter? Jesus, Julie. You know athletes aren’t my type and in case you don't remember, up until a few months ago I had a boyfriend. That's who I have been drooling over. My boyfriend was so hot.”
I was pathetic.
“You still have eyes, don't you? How could you not have noticed him by now? You're crazy, girl.”
“Sorry, I'm just not someone who keeps up on that sort of thing. I could care less who the most popular guy on campus is.”
“He's a jock, and sexy as hell.”