“I’m glad you’re up. Thank you so much for having me here with your family. I really appreciate it. Spending time with you all has given me a clearer vision for my goals, and I really can’t thank you enough.”
“You should stay. We have presents to open and cookies to eat. It will be a great day.”
“No, I better get going. I have a lot of things I need to work on, and I don’t want to be lazy about my treatment.”
My heart sank. He was throwing my own words back at me. I hadn’t meant them,
though. I was just agitated and angry that my parents had caught me in a lie. Sometimes, I felt like I was the biggest jerk. Nothing I had said to Erik meant that I truly wanted him to leave, because I didn’t want that.
Actually, despite our argument, I had been looking forward to spending Christmas with him. I had planned that we could make sugar cookies and decorate them. It was going to be a great time and would give us some more time to talk. But it was looking more like I would have to make those cookies alone.
“Don’t go,” I said as I moved closer to him. “It’s Christmas, you don’t need to go.”
Desperately, I wanted to make him stay. He had come so he would have a good Christmas for a change, and now it was all getting ruined. Not only was he leaving my house after we had fought, but he was going straight back to treatment.
The only good thing about it all was that Erik hadn’t relapsed. Hopefully, he had gotten a tiny taste of what it was like to be outside of treatment and have to deal with your emotions and other issues that would come up.
“I have to; my taxi is here.” He smiled. “Thanks again.”
And just like that, he was gone and I felt like the biggest jerk in the world. What had been a beautiful Christmas Eve had actually ruined Erik’s Christmas Day. I could hardly stand still as my guilt started to spread across my body.
Even if Erik and I were only friends, I should have been nicer to him. Actually, because we were friends, I should have been more understanding and talked to him like a friend would and not like an angry girlfriend. As I watched his taxi drive away, I hoped that he would have a decent Christmas and that I hadn’t totally ruined it.
Chapter Sixteen
Erik
“Susan, can I sign up for the hike today or is it too late?” I asked as everyone started to get checked back into the treatment center.
The holiday had been good for some people and not so good for others. Both Brad and Stan had returned for a refresher after using since they were out. It was hard to imagine that after being at the facility for so long that they could actually not stay sober. It was eye opening to me for sure. As was the conversation I had had with Cassidy at her parents’ house.
Being seen as lazy wasn’t something I was used to people telling me. In fact, when I had been building my business, I was working so much that my staff had told me to take a vacation before I had a heart attack. It became very apparent to me after my conversation with Cassidy that I lived in extremes. Either I was doing everything, or nothing. Either I was an over achiever, or achieving nothing. And if that was my personality – and I knew it was – then I’d rather be doing everything and be an over achiever.
There were plenty of activities I could have been doing while at the treatment center, but I hadn’t signed up for them. Instead, I had opted to spend as much time in bed sleeping and avoiding everyone else on the unit.
But that time was over. Instead of being lazy, I was going back to my active self. I could only imagine how much easier being active would be if I wasn’t drunk or high on some substance.
“Sure, I’ll get you on the list. The weather is pretty bad, though, so you’ll have to bundle up. I think Melinda had a list around here somewhere.”
“Thanks. And isn’t there a yoga class sometime? I’d like to give that a try also.”
“Yes, they do yoga every morning at six,” she said with a smile.
Both Susan and I knew that I never woke up early. Mornings were like my kryptonite, but I wanted to try something new.
There was a new drive in me to actually make myself proud. Sure, it had started with Cassidy’s comments to me, and at first I had been incredibly offended. But there was some truth in what she said. I was comfortable being the lazy computer nerd type of guy. Although my body was naturally in decent shape and I still liked to lift weights at my office to blow off steam, I certainly wasn’t all that physically healthy.
Not only was I going to start participating in more of the physical things that were offered at Paradise Peak, I was also going to put some real hard effort into group sessions. I had been holding back in those for a variety of reasons, but I knew everyone in my group sessions now. There was no longer a reason to stay quiet. It was time for me to push through and see what all I could get out of my time at the center.
“Sign me up,” I said enthusiastically.
“Okay,” the nurse said skeptically as she added my name to a list. “Now, this is the kind of enthusiasm I like to see.”
Her comment warmed my heart. That was the type of feeling I wanted more often. Being noticed for doing something good was one of my favorite feelings and I hadn’t even realized it.
While I was building my tech company, I used to love when people looked shockingly at me and didn’t believe I was old enough to run a business. Their dismay and shock was uplifting to me. That element of surprise was a way I often boosted my ego.
The more I thought about my past, the more I realized that I often put on fake, shocking events in the hopes of people thinking I was better than I really was. Once, I had hired a famous musician and his band to play at my party, then went around telling everyone that he was there as a friend and we were really close. It was a stupid lie and only impressed people who I didn’t know. The band had cost over $100,000 and only played for 90 minutes.