“Because I didn’t think you could keep up with my libido. Nobody could, but you do.”
“I lose control, and that’s not okay.”
“What we just did was not okay?” I asked.
She didn’t say anything.
“At this point, Mercedes, there is no denying what we have together. It’s beautiful, sacred, and I’m not giving up.”
“Why? Why do you care about me? What could I possibly have done to deserve you?”
I smiled and took her hand. She went limp and leaned against the door. I took her chin and lifted it so that she looked me in the eye. “You don’t know how amazing you are. No matter how much I tell you that, you won’t listen.”
“I don’t see it. That’s why, Jake. That’s why. You’re blind.”
“You gave up everything—your career, your dignity, your independence—all so you could take care of somebody that you loved. Your self-sacrifice has no depths, and that’s what I love about you the most. But what about you? What do you want?”
Her shoulders fell, and she sobbed. “You don’t understand.”
“Of course, I do. You stretch yourself thin because you want to hold the world up on your shoulders. You don’t want anything bad to happen to your father or your mother. So all you do is take care of them while you sit in stasis, stagnating, when you should be living.”
“How is that any different from a whore? They give everything to everyone, and sacrifice themselves in the process.”
“That’s not it at all,” I said. “They don’t give anything to anyone. They bleed them. They work their way into men’s lives and force them to buy them everything they want because they look pretty. It’s not about sacrifice. It’s about only giving enough to get what you want. How is that anything like you? You wouldn’t even let me send you to a spa without a fight. Half the time, the only reason Becky left her house was because I bought her something.”
She stayed silent, shuffling her feet around with her lips pursed.
“Tell me one reason why you should leave, a real reason, and I will walk out of your life.”
She stayed silent.
“You can’t do that. Can you?”
She was shaking now.
“Mercedes, I love you. I don’t want to lose you, and I think you know how much this is hurting. I know that it’s hurting you too. Do we have to end this?”
“No,” she whispered.
“Do you feel the same way I do?”
“Yeah, I do,” she said, her voice shaking. She swallowed and met my eyes. “I’m so sorry. I am so sorry that I did this to you. I love you. I do, and I’m not gonna break your heart like this again. I promise you.”
“Never,” I said.
“Never,” she said.
“Thank God.” I wrapped my arm behind her neck and we collided, like two meteors flying through space, pulled together by gravity.
The cold didn’t matter, neither did the rain. I had my arms wrapped around her again, and she wasn’t going anywhere. I’d shelter her and give her everything she wanted, if not forever, at least for now.
“Come inside,” I said.
“Okay.” She let me take her hand and lead her upstairs into the bedroom, where we laid down together on the bed and cuddled, and she rested her head on my shoulder. It was sacred silence, a connection that I’d never thought possible. She loved me for who I was, regardless of my flaws or my misgivings. This episode did nothing but reinforce the love we already knew existed between us.
Chapter 36
Mercedes