His arms were by his sides now, and there was an apology in his gaze. “You aren’t wrong, okay? I do like you…and I’m very attracted to you.”
I couldn’t stop my chest from rising with the deep breath I sucked in. It was involuntary because it was a total shock to hear him say that.
“But…” He shook his head slightly.
The disappointment hit me like a freight train. It hit because I’d been standing on the rails, watching it come closer, but I didn’t step out of the way in time because I continued to hope that the conductor would pull the brakes.
“I’m not the right guy for you.”
“Because I’m not good enough for you?” I blurted, letting everything just come tumbling out because I had nothing to lose at this point. “Because you’re this super-hot heart surgeon who comes from a good family, and I’m just…an assistant?” Was I stupid for thinking that I deserved him because Emerson was loved and accepted by Derek even though she wasn’t a rocket scientist? Was I stupid for thinking I could ever land a guy like Dex when I wasn’t Miss Whatever?
His features crumbled into a look of pure confusion. “What? No, that’s not at all what I mean. And that’s also just not true, Sicily. It’s the other way around, alright? I don’t deserve you.”
That sounded like a cheap-ass excuse, and I was sure the expression on my face told him that. “You could just say you aren’t interested, Dex. You don’t have to make this up—”
“I’m serious.” He stepped closer to me, his eyes growing more intense than before. “I’m just looking to get laid right now. I meet a woman in a bar, she stays over the weekend, and then I never see her again. That’s all I can offer you—and you deserve better.”
“Because of her…right?” I hated that stupid cunt with every fiber of my being. If she hadn’t left him, I wouldn’t be standing in his office right now, but I still hated her with all that I had.
He dropped his gaze the second she was mentioned. “I just… I’m not looking for something more right now. And I’m pretty sure I never will. I have no heart to give, not because it’s broken, but because it’s gone—”
“That’s not true. I see your heart every single day in everything that you do.”
“It’s…it’s not the same thing. I’ve only been in one relationship in my entire life, because it was deep, because it was emotional, because it was a commitment I wanted to make. It consumes all of you, to be that attached to another person, to be in the moment with them every single day. I literally can’t do that again…not ever.” He pleaded with his eyes, like he wished I would understand. “If you get involved with me, it only ends one way. I will break your heart, Sicily. And…” He dropped his gaze again. “You’re the last person in the world I would ever, ever hurt…because I care about you deeply.”
It was so painful to be so close to what I wanted, but I couldn’t actually reach out and touch it, couldn’t actually feel it with my fingertips. My eyes started to water, and I blinked a couple times to keep the emotion back.
Dex kept his eyes down, like he wanted to pretend he didn’t notice. “If we were just two people attracted to each other who wanted to bang it out over the weekend, I wouldn’t have a problem with that. But that’s not how it is between us.”
Because there was more. “Dex, I’m not asking you to marry me. I’m not asking for a deep commitment that will last a lifetime. I’m just asking for a beginning, an opportunity to see where it might go…that’s all.”
He kept his gaze down. “I don’t think you understand—”
“I understand that you let that heartless bitch take everything from you, take away your passion at the expense of your soul and others. But don’t let her take away your ability to love another person, because you deserve to be happy, because you deserve to be with a woman who truly, unconditionally loves you.” Someone like me. “I know you don’t believe in marriage anymore, but look at your parents…look at your brother.”
He lifted his chin and looked at me, releasing a quiet sigh. “I understand what you’re saying, and maybe someday I’ll feel differently about that, but I’ve been divorced for a little over a year. A year.” His eyes darkened in agitation, annoyed that I didn’t understand. “I’m in no position for something serious, to offer you anything other than a long night on my sheets, and you deserve the world, Sicily.”
“I deserve the best guy I know—and that’s you.”
He shook his head. “I’m fucked up, and I’m going to be fucked up for a long time. Yes, I care about my patients, would give the shirt off my back to anyone who needed it, but when it comes to this…I’m a fucking asshole.”